Desiderio Domini

"I love a lonely day... it chases me to You."

Today, if you haven't already guessed, I am having a lonely day. Everyone I wish was here with me, isn't and the weight of being by myself feels so heavy right now. That's my greatest fear you know... being alone. How sad that I should fear it when the truth is that I am never alone. God has promised me that He will never leave me, or forsake me. So why do I feel like this? Why do I feel like I'm the only one here, and everyone has left me? Wasn't it just yesterday that I was telling you about the beautiful day I spent with my friends? Oh yeah... I guess I do have those.

As I write this I am sitting outside. It's a beautiful day, warm and peaceful. It's just me, under a tree with my laptop, my Bible, and some chocolate covered cranberries. Oh and God is here too. The warm breeze against my face proves this. The flutter of birds' wings and the chirping of crickets remind that God is so powerful, beautiful, and creative. Even the gross little green bug that was making its way across my foot reminds me of Him. I think God chuckles at my girlish squirms. What is the purpose of insects? And why am I so scared of such small fragile things? Yet another reason to not feel alone: the bugs, in all their yuck, creepiness, and legs are with me, happy to offer a touch of comfort. And even when with my thumb and index finger I send them flying, they always come back.

I wish I could say that I love a lonely day. I am learning. After all, why wouldn't I love a day spent just me and my Jesus? What kind of idiot am I? 

I read an ancient story about the Apostle Peter in the latter years of his life. It was often said that he would weep whenever a cock would crow. Of course I understand why, knowing the story of Peter's denial, but the story goes that Peter would often weep at other times, and no one quite knew why. Finally, one day a young saint was able to work up enough courage to ask him about it.

"Peter, why do you so often weep?" he inquired cautiously. 

Peter turned to the boy and with intense yearning burning in his eyes he replied softly, "Desiderio Domini." 

It's latin. Translated, this means "I dearly long to be with my Lord."

After reading that story I began to read about heaven in the last two chapters of Revelation. I tried to picture myself, or anyone really, weeping because of my longing to be with my Lord. I know that there are days when I was wish the Lord would just take me because life is just too hard. But I think the weeping that comes in those moments is caused by the pain I feel and by a longing for earthly experiences, not by a longing I have to be with Jesus. Even after reading those chapters in Revelation, my mind is just so human and I can't seem to get it wrapped around how completely wonderful being there with Jesus is going to be. All I can do is continue to pursue Him, keep falling deeply in love with as I learn to long for Him and wait for the day when I get to experience Christ face to face, and be with Him for eternity.