He doesn't call the qualified, He qualifies the called.

Here I am, writing yet again! This is amazing to me seeing as I haven't really been writing as often as I want to. The fact that I want to write, yet don't confuses me a little. If I want to write, then why don't I? I guess life is just too distracting. Right now is the perfect time because I am alone and my mind is filled with thoughts of today and of the future (not that I know anything about the future... that's the problem I think!).

I was talking to someone today and they were telling me of all the potential they see in me. They confessed that it's hard for them because they know what I am capable of, but they always see me selling myself short. They think that I don't want things for myself because I think I won't be able to do them.
They are right in some ways. They are wrong however, in saying that I don't want things for myself. I would like a lot of things for myself, but it's so difficult to view my abilities based on what God can do through me. I always feel so small and inadequate. It scares me to think about things I could do-- teaching or speaking in front of people scares the crap out of me and just thinking about those things makes to want to vomit. Even the thought of speaking to children scares me. I feel that I don't have the ability or even the right to speak to anyone about anything. It doesn't mean that I don't want those things for myself.

I have this desire for God to use me in amazing ways. I just don't know how He would do it... I'm not that creative (good thing He is). I would love to speak to young women, to love them and encourage them in their walks with Jesus, sharing my life's experiences and lessons. I would love to write a book! I love to write so much and writing a book... having a book published... seems like the most wonderful thing. But I know that I can't do those things on my own. I don't know how God could use little old me.

What is truth though, and what I have to keep reminding myself of, is that God doesn't call the qualified, He qualifies the called. And I am called! I don't know what I'm called to yet, but my prayer is that God would reveal that to me. My prayer is that God would stir in me a desire to do wonderful things for His kingdom, and that He would motivate me in my walk. Lord, give me confidence in Your ability to use me no matter how small or inadequate I feel. I might be small and I might now measure up, but the Lord can still use me... and He will, if I would just let him!

So I'm all alone for the next few days. Kind of. It's reading week and I'm at school while my roommates have gone home. Lou just left today too. It kind of sucks, but it's also good to be alone sometimes. People tend to distract me from what's important. Not that it's their fault in any way. It's my fault... I really need to straighten out my priorities. I need to love Jesus more than I love socializing with my friends. Anyway, being alone has given, and continues to give me time to think and reflect on God and on who I am supposed to be in light of Him and His plan for my life. I feel like I don't know anything, and that's probably because I don't. But that's okay because He knows, and I trust Him. I figure spending time with Him will allow me to get to know Him better... and that's always a good thing :)

Shut Up.

I can't say that I'm feeling any different from the last time I wrote, but I can tell you that God is wonderful.

I went to Harvest in Oakville on Sunday morning with Erica and her mom, and I came out with a smile on my face and tears in my eyes thinking about how awesome God is and how He knows exactly what I need to hear. I find it amazing how He can speak to me so directly, even through someone else.

One of the biggest struggles I had in my relationship with Corey was too easily making him an idol in my life. There were a lot of times when I loved Corey more than I loved God and It's so sad and frustrating that I had to remove myself from the situation in order to see that. God calls me to hate my family and friends in comparison to how much I love God. But I wasn't doing that. I was loving Corey more and as a result, I began to drown in my sin.

It's kind of ironic in a way that I struggled with loving Corey too much. Another issue that I struggled a lot with in our relationship was the fact that Corey wasn't loving me enough. As his girlfriend I desired to be adored by him. I wanted his face to light up when he saw me, I wanted him to pursue me, to build into my life... and he wasn't doing any of those things. I loved him so much though, that I was willing to wait for him to change. Except that nothing really did change. So I felt like I was forced to make the biggest and most drastic change of all, and that was to break up with him. And now we're trying to be friends, but it's so difficult to know what to say and how to act when I'm around him. I'm so used to being his girlfriend... I've never really been his friend before, but we're trying. You know what the hardest thing is? Now that we've broken up and now that we're trying to be friends, I feel like Corey is more crazy about me, and cares about me more than he did when we were dating. He pays more attention to me, he spends more time with me, I catch him looking at me more. All these things, and I just don't understand why. Why now, after all this time of us dating, does he have to be like this? It doesn't make the friend thing so easy. One of my friends mentioned that this might have been what he needed in order to realize what he had. And maybe it's true, but things like that only give me a hope that I can't be sure of. And I begin to focus on that hope instead of focusing on God and the reason Corey and I are in this place. There is no doubt that I want Corey and I to get back together. And I know that he wants the same thing. I know without a doubt that he doesn't really want to be my friend... he wants me, but knows that he can't have me right now. And we both know that we can't trust a hope. We have to trust God. The truth is that we might not end up together, no matter how much we want that to happen. We both have to become okay with that. I don't think I'm there yet, but I'm working towards it and I'm trying to rely on God's strength to get me through all this hard stuff.

God must be number one in my life, I have to love Him more than I love anything or anyone else... even my own self.
I do love Him. I just really suck at showing Him. For someone who likes the idea of the love languages so much, I sure stink at loving God with His. Maybe its because God has a love language all of His own- Obedience. I can show God that I love Him by obeying Him. Why does my flesh get in the way of something my everything else craves so much? I NEED God. I can't do ANYTHING without Him... yet I try and do things by myself all the time. I try and hold on to things because it's too scary and uncertain if I let them go. But fighting with God over control of my life is so hard, and so tiring. So I'm here, with no strength of my own, crying out to God, a crumpled mess at His feet. HERE, I scream. TAKE IT! I CAN'T DO THIS ANYMORE... not on my own. I need You.

So I'm trusting Him with this. And I'm loving Him the most.
At least that's what I'm trying to do. It's not always easy, but I know it's what I must do. It's what my 'everything else' yearns for. Now if I could just get my flesh to shut up...

He sees each tear that falls...

I haven't blogged in so long. Sorry to those of you who have been waiting... I guess I've just been really busy with life.

I'm sick right now. I've had a fever all day and I still don't feel very good, so I'm in my room with Megan, who is also sick, because we aren't allowed to go to impact group. I guess they don't want our disease to spend around. A lot of people have been sick lately... it sucks.

I'm afraid to tell you that this blog is going to be rather depressing. My life right now just seems to be one big cryfest. On Wednesday Corey and I broke up. And right now as I write this the emotions are coming fresh to my eyes. I usually write about everything, but I haven't about this yet. Maybe it's because I don't want it to be real. I like to pretend that this is all just a dream and I'm going to wake up soon, smiling in his arms. I don't think I've ever felt so much pain, or longed for anything as much as I long to just touch him right now.

The decision to break up was mutual, and neither of us wanted it, but it was something we both knew needed to happen. I just thought things were going to be different. They were supposed to be different. I thought Corey was it. I wanted to be his wife, to spend the rest of my life with him, but the hardest part for me in all of this is that Corey wasn't sure if he wanted that. When I think about that I start to think that I wasn't good enough for him. I'm angry at myself for not being wonderful enough, like maybe if I was better he would have known without a doubt he wanted to marry me.

All I know is that I hate this so much. I hate living here at the school with him, seeing him everywhere. I hate being with big groups of people. I start to panic thinking that he's there somewhere I can't see. Then I see all the people looking at me and I feel like I'm some wreck that everyone feels sorry for. They look at me and they see my puffy eyes and my red nose and they don't know what to say or do... so I'm avoided. I wish I was strong enough to put on a smile for everyone. I wish I could at least pretend to be okay, but I feel like if I smile too big or laugh too hard my broken heart might fall on the floor for everyone to see.

I'm trying to trust God in all of this. I know that God wanted this for me, but I don't understand why He isn't taking the pain away. I keep praying, asking Him to comfort me, to give me strength and wipe away my tears, but it still hurts and I feel like it's never going to go away. I don't understand how a God thing can suck so much and cause so much heart ache and I can't wait for the day when I finally know why all of this had to happen. How, exactly, this is for my good. I'm not angry with God... I just wish I could feel His arms around me. I wish He would take my face in His hands and kiss the tears away.

This past year I've given so much away to a boy I thought I was going to be with forever. Now I'm here and he's not and I don't think I have anything left to give. My heart is gone.