He sees each tear that falls...

I haven't blogged in so long. Sorry to those of you who have been waiting... I guess I've just been really busy with life.

I'm sick right now. I've had a fever all day and I still don't feel very good, so I'm in my room with Megan, who is also sick, because we aren't allowed to go to impact group. I guess they don't want our disease to spend around. A lot of people have been sick lately... it sucks.

I'm afraid to tell you that this blog is going to be rather depressing. My life right now just seems to be one big cryfest. On Wednesday Corey and I broke up. And right now as I write this the emotions are coming fresh to my eyes. I usually write about everything, but I haven't about this yet. Maybe it's because I don't want it to be real. I like to pretend that this is all just a dream and I'm going to wake up soon, smiling in his arms. I don't think I've ever felt so much pain, or longed for anything as much as I long to just touch him right now.

The decision to break up was mutual, and neither of us wanted it, but it was something we both knew needed to happen. I just thought things were going to be different. They were supposed to be different. I thought Corey was it. I wanted to be his wife, to spend the rest of my life with him, but the hardest part for me in all of this is that Corey wasn't sure if he wanted that. When I think about that I start to think that I wasn't good enough for him. I'm angry at myself for not being wonderful enough, like maybe if I was better he would have known without a doubt he wanted to marry me.

All I know is that I hate this so much. I hate living here at the school with him, seeing him everywhere. I hate being with big groups of people. I start to panic thinking that he's there somewhere I can't see. Then I see all the people looking at me and I feel like I'm some wreck that everyone feels sorry for. They look at me and they see my puffy eyes and my red nose and they don't know what to say or do... so I'm avoided. I wish I was strong enough to put on a smile for everyone. I wish I could at least pretend to be okay, but I feel like if I smile too big or laugh too hard my broken heart might fall on the floor for everyone to see.

I'm trying to trust God in all of this. I know that God wanted this for me, but I don't understand why He isn't taking the pain away. I keep praying, asking Him to comfort me, to give me strength and wipe away my tears, but it still hurts and I feel like it's never going to go away. I don't understand how a God thing can suck so much and cause so much heart ache and I can't wait for the day when I finally know why all of this had to happen. How, exactly, this is for my good. I'm not angry with God... I just wish I could feel His arms around me. I wish He would take my face in His hands and kiss the tears away.

This past year I've given so much away to a boy I thought I was going to be with forever. Now I'm here and he's not and I don't think I have anything left to give. My heart is gone.