Shut Up.

I can't say that I'm feeling any different from the last time I wrote, but I can tell you that God is wonderful.

I went to Harvest in Oakville on Sunday morning with Erica and her mom, and I came out with a smile on my face and tears in my eyes thinking about how awesome God is and how He knows exactly what I need to hear. I find it amazing how He can speak to me so directly, even through someone else.

One of the biggest struggles I had in my relationship with Corey was too easily making him an idol in my life. There were a lot of times when I loved Corey more than I loved God and It's so sad and frustrating that I had to remove myself from the situation in order to see that. God calls me to hate my family and friends in comparison to how much I love God. But I wasn't doing that. I was loving Corey more and as a result, I began to drown in my sin.

It's kind of ironic in a way that I struggled with loving Corey too much. Another issue that I struggled a lot with in our relationship was the fact that Corey wasn't loving me enough. As his girlfriend I desired to be adored by him. I wanted his face to light up when he saw me, I wanted him to pursue me, to build into my life... and he wasn't doing any of those things. I loved him so much though, that I was willing to wait for him to change. Except that nothing really did change. So I felt like I was forced to make the biggest and most drastic change of all, and that was to break up with him. And now we're trying to be friends, but it's so difficult to know what to say and how to act when I'm around him. I'm so used to being his girlfriend... I've never really been his friend before, but we're trying. You know what the hardest thing is? Now that we've broken up and now that we're trying to be friends, I feel like Corey is more crazy about me, and cares about me more than he did when we were dating. He pays more attention to me, he spends more time with me, I catch him looking at me more. All these things, and I just don't understand why. Why now, after all this time of us dating, does he have to be like this? It doesn't make the friend thing so easy. One of my friends mentioned that this might have been what he needed in order to realize what he had. And maybe it's true, but things like that only give me a hope that I can't be sure of. And I begin to focus on that hope instead of focusing on God and the reason Corey and I are in this place. There is no doubt that I want Corey and I to get back together. And I know that he wants the same thing. I know without a doubt that he doesn't really want to be my friend... he wants me, but knows that he can't have me right now. And we both know that we can't trust a hope. We have to trust God. The truth is that we might not end up together, no matter how much we want that to happen. We both have to become okay with that. I don't think I'm there yet, but I'm working towards it and I'm trying to rely on God's strength to get me through all this hard stuff.

God must be number one in my life, I have to love Him more than I love anything or anyone else... even my own self.
I do love Him. I just really suck at showing Him. For someone who likes the idea of the love languages so much, I sure stink at loving God with His. Maybe its because God has a love language all of His own- Obedience. I can show God that I love Him by obeying Him. Why does my flesh get in the way of something my everything else craves so much? I NEED God. I can't do ANYTHING without Him... yet I try and do things by myself all the time. I try and hold on to things because it's too scary and uncertain if I let them go. But fighting with God over control of my life is so hard, and so tiring. So I'm here, with no strength of my own, crying out to God, a crumpled mess at His feet. HERE, I scream. TAKE IT! I CAN'T DO THIS ANYMORE... not on my own. I need You.

So I'm trusting Him with this. And I'm loving Him the most.
At least that's what I'm trying to do. It's not always easy, but I know it's what I must do. It's what my 'everything else' yearns for. Now if I could just get my flesh to shut up...