So I'm laying on my couch in my apartment, surrounded by the evidence of moving time; boxes are behind me, an empty kitchen beside me, and it's all so sad really. I never liked moving. My best friend moved away when we were in grade 4. That's the earliest memory I have of moving. Of course I hated it... my best friend was moving an hour and a half away and at that age that seemed so far.
Unpacking, mind you, I've always liked. I wonder why that is. It's almost like it's a fresh start. Yes, I have a lot of crap, and yes it was strewn about my room, so messy I could barely see my floor, but now I get to start over. Who doesn't like fresh starts, clean slates? I get to take out all my things, and place them nicely on my shelves and in my drawers. I get to fold my clothes neatly in my dresser and hang my shirts and dresses in my closet according their various colours. I fool myself into thinking that I'll be able to keep it that way when in reality, a week later, my floor disappears.
It's a lot like my relationship with God I think. At first, everything is so neat, but then I get lazy... sins start piling up on the floor and sooner than I know it, I can't see. I can't even move. I try shoving things under my bed, hoping that I'll forget about them... like God won't notice (I'm so stupid). Then God tries to get my attention, I trip over an old sin I had shoved beneath the carpet, and I fall. I fall so hard that I can't even get up on my own. Then God comes in.
"Have I got you're attention now?" He asks me.
I nod, and with tears rolling down my face, He helps me up. To my amazement, He even helps me clean everything up, taking those sins I tried so hard to hide, and throwing them in the garbage.
Then, with a smile on His beautiful face he whispers, "Neither do I condemn you; go, and from now on sin no more" (John 8:11).
I get to start over! He has given me another chance and though I don't deserve it, He loves me.
I was reading in Luke today about the prodigal son, his older brother, and His loving father. Kait talked a little about it when we were at Court's cottage. She's reading this book called Prodigal God and instead of focusing on the younger brother like we do most of the time, it talks to the older brother and about what kind of person he represents in our churches. Reading the parable got me thinking about those I know who have walked out on God, "devouring God's property with prostitutes" (Luke 15:30). Then I think about myself and what my walk with God has been like. I would definitely consider myself more like the older brother. I've always been one to follow the rules, I never went through a 'rebellion' phase, and I've never really walked out on God...
I wonder how I would react if all of a sudden one of those people I know realized their state and decided to run into God's arms again. I know God would be there with His arms open and a smile on His face, but what if He pours blessings on them, and gives them things that I've always wanted? Would I react like the older brother, becoming angry and resentful of God, claiming that it's not fair? Would I say the kind of things to God that the older brother said to his father?
"Look, these many years I have served you, and I never disobeyed your command, yet you never gave me a young goat, that I might celebrate with my friends. But when this son of yours came, who has devoured your property with prostitutes, you killed the fattened calf for him!" (Luke 15:29-30)
I hope I wouldn't be like that. That's an awful way to be and would only prove that my relationship with God had been all about what I can get out of Him if I managed to follow all the rules and guidelines. It would say that I am only willing to listen if I get rewarded for it. And then I pose the question, "if there were no promise of heaven, would I still chose to follow Jesus?" Would you?
I really hope that my reaction instead would be agreeable to what the father then said to his older son: "Son, you are always with me, and all that is mine is yours. It was fitting to celebrate and be glad, for this your brother was dead, and is alive; he was lost, and is found." (Luke 15:31)
Please make me more like You, Lord! Let me not be like the Older brother, having a loyalty to You as long as there's something in it for me. That is my prayer for you as well... whoever you are.
I always wonder who actually reads these, if I'm just writing for myself? I know there are a few of you who do, and I am so glad for that. I think that even if no one read it, I would still write... I surprise myself sometimes. Or rather, God surprises me and I even learn from what I write. I find that my writing draws me closer to Him in a very unique way.
That's all for now,
Ciao :)
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