New Blog

I got a new blog. It's pretty much exactly the same as this one... just a different email address. Check it outtt http://caitfeaver.blogspot.com/

The Grace of Conviction

For someone who says that she likes to write so much, I seem to have a really hard time keeping up a blog. I write in my journal often, but so far this blog thing doesn't seem to be working out.
But I do want it to work out... and I'll keep trying, keeping writing on here randomly until one day, maybe It'll become a habit and I will do it every day without even thinking about it.

I have been reading through 1 Corinthians. I've realized that there are so many books that I have really read. I can say that I have read parts of it... bits and chunks that produce conviction and wisdom and learning. But lately I have been trying to commit myself to one book... to reading one chapter of it a day and then writing and praying about what I learned. I started with Matthew... I and I got quite a ways through it (chapter 26 I believe), but then one day I decided to start reading something else lol. I guess I'll have to finish it later. 1 Corinthians is a little shorter, so maybe I'll manage to read through the entire thing before I get distracted my another book. I don't think it's wrong to stop reading one book because your attention was grabbed by another. It was actually pretty cool because the day that I decided to start reading 1 Corinthians, was a day that I really needed what was written in the 1st chapter. God works in pretty cool ways and the spirit leads us and prompts us to do things that we sometimes don't always understand, but that always makes sense after.

So today I read through chapter 3. The one thing that my heart seems to be stuck on from there is where he tells the Corinthians to imitate himself. He says, "I urge you then, be imitators of me." It actually boggles my mind... to see someone who is so confident in his likeness to Christ and his pursuit of Christ and heart for Christ... that he wants us t follow him! After all, we are called to be imitators of Christ right? I don't think Paul would tell the church to be imitators of himself unless he knew that he was doing pretty darn well. He even says earlier on in the chapter he says that he doesn't even judge himself because he is not aware of anything against himself.

Oh to have that peace of mind in regards to your own heart... to have so much confidence. I am so aware of so many things that are wrong with my heart... so many things that I need Christ to change and give me grace for. BUT. I am a firm believer that conviction is a part of grace. Because I know that if left to my own devices, I would never see the wickedness of my own heart. Conviction is a very good thing. We'll never be perfect, therefore if we are pursuing and seeking Christ like we should be everyday, the Spirit will always be convicting us of things. I start to worry when I am not being convicted anymore... it tells me I'm not doing this Christian life thing right. Something has to change.

"She Works Hard for the... [passion?]"

So it's been awhile.
Sorry to those of you who grew accustomed to reading my ramblings and other thoughts.
But I've been inspired! Yay :)

I guess I just wanted to tell everyone how sick and tired I am... of myself. Sick of my lack of passion for the One I claim to be so passionate about. Tired of my desire remaining so unchanged, my flame burnt out.

I'm home for for what seems like the rest of my life. I know I won't be here forever, but in this house, where my heart constantly feels broken, it's hard to see a time when I'll have my own family, my own husband to make a marriage with, and eventually children who I can raise into godly men and women. Here I just feel stuck under a heavy rain cloud that just won't blow away no matter how aggressive the wind is.

But I was reading today, In Exodus because I'm forcing myself into the Old Testament no matter how scared I am of it, and I was reminded of the necessity to set my life apart from the world and for God. My home here with my brothers and my parents is filled with the world- worldly words, actions, music... the list could go on. It's no wonder I just want to close my eyes and wait for everything to "get fixed." But nothing gets fixed on its own... each of us has to move and work towards something greater, something more wonderful. First we have to chose to set our lives apart for God.

Easy right? Thing is... we can't stop there. We can't just intellectually make a choice and then ta-da our lives are perfect. A changed heart takes time and devotion. I want my desire to grow? I need to FEED IT. I want my passions to stir? I need to DIVE into the Spirit who can stir them. If I want my flame to re-ignite, I need to provide a spark... and I trust that the Holy Spirit, given as a helper to be my Jesus Christ (because he knew we needed it!) will burst my heart into flames of passion and excitement and love for the One desire to be so passionate about. The one to whom I owe my life.

I want to grow; feed me. Lord Jesus.

England!!

April 14, 2010

Dear Friend,

This spring, I have an opportunity of a lifetime to serve God, but I need your help to make it a reality. I have been approved to be a part of a mission trip/team through ABWE Canada – Across Boarders for World Evangelism, in partnership with Heritage College and Seminary to the country of England for 18 days from May 21 2010 to June 8, 2010.

My mission team will be helping Stechford Baptist Church in Birmingham to run a five-day holiday Bible club for children. For the remainder of the days our team will be helping with the planning and promoting of the club, as well as door-to-door evangelism in a prominently Muslim community.

This is a serious journey that I am taking. I will have the privilege of working with an amazing group of people, submerged in a culture very different from our own. I will be challenged in many ways, but I am excited for what God has ahead as I trust Him, rely on Him to use me, and share The Gospel with people who have not yet come to a saving relationship with Jesus Christ.

The ministry expenses of this trip are $1400.00. This will cover the cost of my flight, supplies, room and board, as well as transportation once I have arrived in England. I will be working diligently to raise the required ministry expenses through donations and some team fund-raising events.

There are various ways that you can partner with me in this worthwhile, short-term experience. If you would like to become a financial partner to help me raise the necessary ministry funds, please send a donation by check payable to: ABWE CANADA at the address below. It is very important that you include “England – Heritage College Team” on the memo line. You can tag my name on it as well- know that any funds you donate will be used to support me personally in going on this journey, not my team as a whole.

Donation by credit card can be processes on-line by visiting: www.abwe.ca - “donate.”
The first half of my expenses must be in by April 7, 2010 in order for me to be given departure clearance—this is when my flight ticket will be purchased. The second half must be in by May 7, 2010.

Even if you are not able to participate financially, I would value your support through words of encouragement and a commitment to pray for me. I am very eager to be used by God in this way.

Thank you for taking the time to read this letter and to consider how you can partner with me as my team and I prepare for this amazing opportunity.

My utmost for His Highest,

Caitlyn Feaver

(Email) caitlyn.feaver@gmail.com. (Phone) 519-591-5494

Statement of Accountability: Spending of funds is confined to board approved programs and projects. Each restricted contribution designated towards a board-approved program or project will be used as designated, with the understanding that when the need for such a program or project has been met, or cannot be completed, the remaining contribution designated for such program or project will be used where needed most.

ABWE CANADA: #34-980 Adelaide Street South, London, Ontario N6E 1R3
Phone: 519.690.1009     Fax: 519.690.1618     Info/Donate: www.abwe.ca                                                        

                                          email: office@abwecanada.org 

I must have confidence.

As I read on in Hebrews I am struck by yet another conviction of truth and pure love. Often times I think of the word conviction and it sounds so harsh. A lot of people, including myself sometimes, think that being convicted of something is a bad feeling... on that isn't wanted. But as I sit here, alone in my room, and as I slowly turn through God's pages, searching for food... I am able to thank God for the wonderful gift of the Holy Spirit. Convictions are good. Conviction is evidence of my growth and learning, and that is so exciting to me.

Now on to talking about what it was that I was so convicted of. It's not really something huge I don't think. Or even something that I have spent a lot of time thinking about in the past. I was convicted of my lack of confidence in Christ and in what everything about Him means for me. When I feel guilty or ashamed before God because of my sin it's because I don't have confidence that I am so forgiven and so pure before Him because of what Christ did for me. Hebrews 10:19 says:

"Therefore, brothers, since we have confidence to enter the holy places by the blood of Jesus..."  

Because of Christ's blood shed on the cross for MY sins... I should have confidence because I am made righteous and pure. I am forgiven, God doesn't remember my sin... so why all this guilt? Why do I feel worthless and dirty in light of a God who calls me His beautiful, loved child? Help me Lord. Help me to understand the depth of your love for me. Engrave Your lovely name on my heart.

A couple last few verses just because I loved them so much as I read over the words, and because they have taken ahold of my selfish, stubborn heart...

"Let us draw near with a true heart in full assurance of faith, with our hearts sprinkled clean from an evil conscience and our bodies washed with pure water. Let us hold fast the confession of our hope without wavering, for he who promised is faithful. And let is consider how to stir up one another to love and good works, not neglecting to meet together as is the habit of some, but encouraging one another, and all the more as you see the Day drawing near." Hebrews 10:22-25 

On another note... Christmas is almost here! 5 more sleeps :) I'm so exciting to spend time with my family laughing and eating and just loving each other. That's what I love doing.

The past few years have been kind of confusing as far as when we celebrate with who goes. Ever since I was little my family has celebrated Christmas with my dad's side on Christmas eve at my nana's house. We'd go over there after church that night and hang out, eat and give presents. My nana died a few years ago though, so things have changed. It's kinda sad, but that's what happens in life. I was thinking about how hard it's going to be to work visiting and stuff out when I get married. What happens if our families celebrate on the same day? We will have to choose... that will be difficult I think.
Anyways, Christmas day is always spent at my Zia's (aunt's) house with my mom's side of the family. It's a lot different, but I love it just the same.

After all the hustle and bustle has died down after christmas things will start to get really boring I bet. Come January I think I'll be really anxious to go back to school, but I have to try and keep myself busy so I don't get stir crazy...

ANYWAY... I think that's all for now.
I'll write soon I'm sure
Cait xo   

 

 

God's Love Language.

Today I was reading a few verses in Hebrews about forgiveness and Christ's blood being the ultimate sacrifice and for some reason I started thinking about Abraham and God asking him to sacrifice his son Isaac.

I thought about how ready and willing Abraham was to obey God in anything that He asked him to do. How difficult that must have been for him, how torn his heart must have been. Or maybe... maybe his heart wasn't torn at all. Perhaps he was so in love with his Lord and creator that it wasn't hard for him at all. His sovereign God was asking him to do something--why should he have to think twice about it.

Yet I sit here when God asks me to do things because it seems to be so difficult for me to just obey though what he requires of me is so small and easy compared to what God asked Abraham. I don't do things God asks of me because I am too tired, or it takes too much time or work. God sacrificed His only Son for me, who am I to not give Him some of my time--ALL of my time? That every waking moment of my life would be glorifying to Him.

I know and believe that God is more important than anything or anyone... it's just living it out that seems to be impossible for me. But I know it's not impossible if I would just look to Him for help, strength and guidance. When I get distracted I need His Holy Spirit to tug at my heart, gently reminding me of what's more important.

My prayer for myself, and for you... whoever you are... is that the Lord would give us Grace to to love Him more than we love anyone or anything, and Grace to put our relationship with Him above any other relationship.

God be the center of my world.

Babysitting Two Little Cutie-Pies!

So semester one is over finally and it feels so good! I haven't really been all that motivated this semester for a vasriety of reasons, none of which are good reasons. I guess I just felt that there was no point in my being in the classes I was in because they were for a program that I switched out of.
I finished though (I don't know how well), and I am excited for this long break and for the semester to come... I get to take Bible classes next semester. Can you imagine? Bible classes at a Bible school!? Who woulda thunk it? In some ways I'm scared because I know it's going to be a challenge for me, but that's also the part that excites me. I've never really been challenged and I know that's what I need in order to keep growing... and I just want to keep growing!

I'm at a friend's house right now babysitting her two little girls, Elly and Autumn. They are adorable! However trying to get them ready for bed and actually in bed, sleeping has made me realize what a challenge being a mom is going to be! I've babysat Elly before and I didn't find it too stressful, but add another baby and it's a whole other ball game. I have a new respect for young moms... babies are hard work--and these weren't even my own and it's only for one night! They're such a joy though and along with the stress I can also see where the joy is. Elly's three and she says the funniest things that you would never expect her to know about let alone talk about! I have my nosed pierced and I am wearing a ring in it right now. Elly looks at me while I was reading her a story and interrups to say, "you have a hole in your nose." I smiled at her and told her what it was. Then she said, "It's a ring. That means you can get married." HAHA. Cutest little girl. And she kept telling me how much she likes me and that she loves me and wants me to stay... bless her little heart. I love her to pieces.

So being her, babysitting, means that I'm home in Barrie now. I can't say that I'm too excited about that. I love my family, I do... and I miss them, but sometimes I hate being in my house. My brothers just make everything crazy and all I ever hear is arguing and swearing and yelling. I hate it and just don't want to be there when it's going on... which is a lot of them time.

But God has been and will contimue to be faithful, as always. He gives me strength and answers my prayers and holds me when I cry.
At the moment though I'm quite happy. Something very exciting happened yesterday and I will tell you about it soon...

Okay. I think that's all for now.
Peace out.

Overwhelmed (in a good way!)

The past few days have been really exciting for me with everything that I have been thinking about, and learning about... being challenged with.

If there is one good thing that came out of Corey and I breaking up, it's how much I have been, and I know he has been growing. And even though it's still hard almost all of the time, not being with Corey will be worth it. As I continue to seek God, grow in knowledge and understanding of His character and His love for me, and as I seek His will for my life, I know He will show up and make all of this pain make sense in how it is essential in His plan for my life. I still have such a deep desire to be a wife, but I am trusting God (well, trying very very hard to trust God) that when I am ready (according to Him) to be a wife, I will be blessed. Even though everything inside of me wants someone specific to be that blessing, I know God will fulfill my desires... no matter who that person might be.

So we've been talking about the gospel a lot lately, and it got me thinking hard about my attitude towards what Christ did for me on the cross. I let myself get into a place where Christ's sacrifice becomes old, just a story that I have heard oh so many times. I've been convicted of how wrong that is and I've been challenged to make it something real and powerful and overwhelming.
So I've started to read the story of Christ's death and resurrection, starting in John and going back through each of the gospels. While reading I realized something that surprised me at the same time as it made me so sad: I have never, before now, actually read this story. I've heard it so many times throughout my life, I've had parts of it read to me, but I've never read the entire thing for myself. How unbelievably sad is that? Now that I am reading it, I really want to make sure I get everything out of it that I can. I pray before I read that the Spirit would just move in me and open my heart to what God wants me to know and understand. I'm on my third time reading it, this time in Mark, and Christ has revealed more about His love for me each time. And it's so overwhelming and wonderful.

I've been growing over the last month and a bit, and it has made me more excited about continuing to do so. I just want to grow and learn.

I am so blessed to be at a school like I am where I'm surrounded by people who love the Lord and where I have the opportunity to be fed like I could never be if I were anywhere else. One thing that happened recently that really excited was when I was having a conversation with a few of the people I go to school with. It was on the topic of election and we ended up talking about whether or not babies who die go to heaven. I know that it's a pretty heavy topic and can get very emotional and confusing and I went into it with my mind made up on what I believed about it. But as we talked and as I asked questions my view was challenged. A couple days later I brought the topic up again with some other people and I was given a passage to read - and as I read and as we discussed the passage, it just all made sense. I know that a lot of people really struggle with understanding, especially when they believed something completely different before, but I didn't really struggle with it, and I am so excited that my view was challenged and changed! By the way, the passage I read was Romans 9... good stuff.

I'm in the library right now... supposedly working, although sometimes I don't really feel like this is a job. When there's nothing to keep myself busy with (work wise), there is really nothing. No books to be covered or put away, no cards to be filed... no people to help. I guess I could be doing some shelf reading, but it's not the most enjoyable of jobs and I did a whole section on Tuesday! So instead I write blogs and catch up on some homework. There's only 45 minutes left until I have to close, so I'm just waiting for people to need me.

Hockey is tonight and it think I'm going to a friend's house on Sunday with a bunch of people, so this weekend should be fun.

I think that's all for now.
Peace out.
Cait xo

He doesn't call the qualified, He qualifies the called.

Here I am, writing yet again! This is amazing to me seeing as I haven't really been writing as often as I want to. The fact that I want to write, yet don't confuses me a little. If I want to write, then why don't I? I guess life is just too distracting. Right now is the perfect time because I am alone and my mind is filled with thoughts of today and of the future (not that I know anything about the future... that's the problem I think!).

I was talking to someone today and they were telling me of all the potential they see in me. They confessed that it's hard for them because they know what I am capable of, but they always see me selling myself short. They think that I don't want things for myself because I think I won't be able to do them.
They are right in some ways. They are wrong however, in saying that I don't want things for myself. I would like a lot of things for myself, but it's so difficult to view my abilities based on what God can do through me. I always feel so small and inadequate. It scares me to think about things I could do-- teaching or speaking in front of people scares the crap out of me and just thinking about those things makes to want to vomit. Even the thought of speaking to children scares me. I feel that I don't have the ability or even the right to speak to anyone about anything. It doesn't mean that I don't want those things for myself.

I have this desire for God to use me in amazing ways. I just don't know how He would do it... I'm not that creative (good thing He is). I would love to speak to young women, to love them and encourage them in their walks with Jesus, sharing my life's experiences and lessons. I would love to write a book! I love to write so much and writing a book... having a book published... seems like the most wonderful thing. But I know that I can't do those things on my own. I don't know how God could use little old me.

What is truth though, and what I have to keep reminding myself of, is that God doesn't call the qualified, He qualifies the called. And I am called! I don't know what I'm called to yet, but my prayer is that God would reveal that to me. My prayer is that God would stir in me a desire to do wonderful things for His kingdom, and that He would motivate me in my walk. Lord, give me confidence in Your ability to use me no matter how small or inadequate I feel. I might be small and I might now measure up, but the Lord can still use me... and He will, if I would just let him!

So I'm all alone for the next few days. Kind of. It's reading week and I'm at school while my roommates have gone home. Lou just left today too. It kind of sucks, but it's also good to be alone sometimes. People tend to distract me from what's important. Not that it's their fault in any way. It's my fault... I really need to straighten out my priorities. I need to love Jesus more than I love socializing with my friends. Anyway, being alone has given, and continues to give me time to think and reflect on God and on who I am supposed to be in light of Him and His plan for my life. I feel like I don't know anything, and that's probably because I don't. But that's okay because He knows, and I trust Him. I figure spending time with Him will allow me to get to know Him better... and that's always a good thing :)

Shut Up.

I can't say that I'm feeling any different from the last time I wrote, but I can tell you that God is wonderful.

I went to Harvest in Oakville on Sunday morning with Erica and her mom, and I came out with a smile on my face and tears in my eyes thinking about how awesome God is and how He knows exactly what I need to hear. I find it amazing how He can speak to me so directly, even through someone else.

One of the biggest struggles I had in my relationship with Corey was too easily making him an idol in my life. There were a lot of times when I loved Corey more than I loved God and It's so sad and frustrating that I had to remove myself from the situation in order to see that. God calls me to hate my family and friends in comparison to how much I love God. But I wasn't doing that. I was loving Corey more and as a result, I began to drown in my sin.

It's kind of ironic in a way that I struggled with loving Corey too much. Another issue that I struggled a lot with in our relationship was the fact that Corey wasn't loving me enough. As his girlfriend I desired to be adored by him. I wanted his face to light up when he saw me, I wanted him to pursue me, to build into my life... and he wasn't doing any of those things. I loved him so much though, that I was willing to wait for him to change. Except that nothing really did change. So I felt like I was forced to make the biggest and most drastic change of all, and that was to break up with him. And now we're trying to be friends, but it's so difficult to know what to say and how to act when I'm around him. I'm so used to being his girlfriend... I've never really been his friend before, but we're trying. You know what the hardest thing is? Now that we've broken up and now that we're trying to be friends, I feel like Corey is more crazy about me, and cares about me more than he did when we were dating. He pays more attention to me, he spends more time with me, I catch him looking at me more. All these things, and I just don't understand why. Why now, after all this time of us dating, does he have to be like this? It doesn't make the friend thing so easy. One of my friends mentioned that this might have been what he needed in order to realize what he had. And maybe it's true, but things like that only give me a hope that I can't be sure of. And I begin to focus on that hope instead of focusing on God and the reason Corey and I are in this place. There is no doubt that I want Corey and I to get back together. And I know that he wants the same thing. I know without a doubt that he doesn't really want to be my friend... he wants me, but knows that he can't have me right now. And we both know that we can't trust a hope. We have to trust God. The truth is that we might not end up together, no matter how much we want that to happen. We both have to become okay with that. I don't think I'm there yet, but I'm working towards it and I'm trying to rely on God's strength to get me through all this hard stuff.

God must be number one in my life, I have to love Him more than I love anything or anyone else... even my own self.
I do love Him. I just really suck at showing Him. For someone who likes the idea of the love languages so much, I sure stink at loving God with His. Maybe its because God has a love language all of His own- Obedience. I can show God that I love Him by obeying Him. Why does my flesh get in the way of something my everything else craves so much? I NEED God. I can't do ANYTHING without Him... yet I try and do things by myself all the time. I try and hold on to things because it's too scary and uncertain if I let them go. But fighting with God over control of my life is so hard, and so tiring. So I'm here, with no strength of my own, crying out to God, a crumpled mess at His feet. HERE, I scream. TAKE IT! I CAN'T DO THIS ANYMORE... not on my own. I need You.

So I'm trusting Him with this. And I'm loving Him the most.
At least that's what I'm trying to do. It's not always easy, but I know it's what I must do. It's what my 'everything else' yearns for. Now if I could just get my flesh to shut up...

He sees each tear that falls...

I haven't blogged in so long. Sorry to those of you who have been waiting... I guess I've just been really busy with life.

I'm sick right now. I've had a fever all day and I still don't feel very good, so I'm in my room with Megan, who is also sick, because we aren't allowed to go to impact group. I guess they don't want our disease to spend around. A lot of people have been sick lately... it sucks.

I'm afraid to tell you that this blog is going to be rather depressing. My life right now just seems to be one big cryfest. On Wednesday Corey and I broke up. And right now as I write this the emotions are coming fresh to my eyes. I usually write about everything, but I haven't about this yet. Maybe it's because I don't want it to be real. I like to pretend that this is all just a dream and I'm going to wake up soon, smiling in his arms. I don't think I've ever felt so much pain, or longed for anything as much as I long to just touch him right now.

The decision to break up was mutual, and neither of us wanted it, but it was something we both knew needed to happen. I just thought things were going to be different. They were supposed to be different. I thought Corey was it. I wanted to be his wife, to spend the rest of my life with him, but the hardest part for me in all of this is that Corey wasn't sure if he wanted that. When I think about that I start to think that I wasn't good enough for him. I'm angry at myself for not being wonderful enough, like maybe if I was better he would have known without a doubt he wanted to marry me.

All I know is that I hate this so much. I hate living here at the school with him, seeing him everywhere. I hate being with big groups of people. I start to panic thinking that he's there somewhere I can't see. Then I see all the people looking at me and I feel like I'm some wreck that everyone feels sorry for. They look at me and they see my puffy eyes and my red nose and they don't know what to say or do... so I'm avoided. I wish I was strong enough to put on a smile for everyone. I wish I could at least pretend to be okay, but I feel like if I smile too big or laugh too hard my broken heart might fall on the floor for everyone to see.

I'm trying to trust God in all of this. I know that God wanted this for me, but I don't understand why He isn't taking the pain away. I keep praying, asking Him to comfort me, to give me strength and wipe away my tears, but it still hurts and I feel like it's never going to go away. I don't understand how a God thing can suck so much and cause so much heart ache and I can't wait for the day when I finally know why all of this had to happen. How, exactly, this is for my good. I'm not angry with God... I just wish I could feel His arms around me. I wish He would take my face in His hands and kiss the tears away.

This past year I've given so much away to a boy I thought I was going to be with forever. Now I'm here and he's not and I don't think I have anything left to give. My heart is gone.

The Scary Truth...

Move in day is tomorrow and I am SO excited, haha! I can't wait for all the people to get here. It's weird because I never actually realized how much I love being with people until this past summer... when there were no people, or very few people. I don't like dorm being so empty... it feels weird. I can't wait for late nights and gut-busting laughs.

I know that I told you about my roommates earlier, but it's been changed around since then, so I figure I should tell ya'll again. I'm still rooming with Robyn, but now Megan gets her own room and Alysha is rooming with a girl named Erica. Lou's still my RA :) I realized that there are A LOT of people coming who are from Barrie. Like a lot a lot. It's actually ridiculous, but pretty cool at the same time. I found out that a guy named Josh, who is also from my church is coming...

So now training week is over and as selfish as it may sound, I am SO glad. But God's taught me a lot this week about selfishness because I have been SO selfish. I moped around a lot this week, feeling sorry for myself because I was all alone and everyone else was out doing stuff. I started the week off thinking that it would be a perfect time to spend lots of time with God and I ended up struggling a lot with doing it. But I'm thankful that all those feelings of jealousy and sadness forced me to find comfort and support in God. I know that if I hadn't relied on Him, I would have had a HORRIBLE week... it was hard enough as it was... imagine if I hadn't asked God for his strength and love and comfort.

Today before I started reading, I asked God to give me a desire to read His Word. Right now it's like a have to force myself, although it's getting easier and I find that once I start reading, I don't want to stop and I end up reading a lot more than I had planned to! I'm thankful for that and it's evidence that God's spirit is working in me as I learn more about Him. I really want to come to a place where I feel that my day is not complete, or right without having read God's word. So I asked Him to give that to me... to fill me and to give me a passion, a desire for His Word.

I read the first three chapters in 1 Corinthians today. Because I have been thinking about my family a lot lately--the ones who have become lost, and the ones who have never been saved--this verse grabbed my heart and saddened me with it's scary truth:

"For the Word of the cross is folly to those who are perishing, but to us who are being saved it is the power of God." vs 18 in chapter one.

I've decided that I don't like that word. Perishing. Perish. It's so scary thinking about the people I love and where they'll end up because they don't know Christ like I know Christ. But it's what I need to motivate me... to ask God to use me in saving my family. But talking to them also terrifies me because just like verse 18 says, they all think the Truth is stupid, silly stories that don't matter. And they could all talk circles around me. I need to pray for boldness and for words.

That's all for now.
xo

Seminary

So right now I am sitting in a big house that is not mine, all by myself. Ashleigh, who is living off campus this year, had me over for a sleepover last night... so here I am :) She has a meeting at the school this morning with one of her profs, so that is why I am by myself. I came over here last night and we watching a movie and ate lots of food. Chocolate covered cranberries and this artichoke dip that Ash is so very good at making-- it's delicious!

Have you ever seen My Gig Fat Greek Wedding? If you haven't, I advise you to see it because you will pee your pants laughing. Or maybe you won't... maybe it just made me laugh because her big Greek family reminds me so much of my big Italian family. Everyone is so loud, in each other's face all the time... eating and eating and eating, lol. Anyway, you should watch it, it's a good movie.

So the week hasn't been as bad as I thought it was going to be. Thank God, I've had people come see me and people invite me over to their house for sleepovers :) Kristyn and Candice have been here the last couple of days. They came to hang out on Monday, and then they came again on Tuesday. Yesterday I was alone for a bit, but I think that was a goof thing. It gave me time to really think about God and spend some time with Him. I think He's trying to teach me a lot about relying on Him and trusting in His love for me. I worry too much!

I'm slowly coming to terms with some feelings that I've been having. The only word that I can use to describe this feeling is jealously, which is a word and consequently I feeling that I don't like very much. I don't know... I guess I feel like this because Corey's here, but I don't get to spend any time with him. And there's all these other people who do. He's going through this training, and learning and growing so much and I don't get to be a part of it... and I want to be a part of it and it frustrates me that I'm not. And so I feel jealous. But I was talking to Ashleigh the other day about it, and she just reminded me that I need to be praying for Corey instead of moping around in a pool of jealousy. I need to pray that God would continue to work in him and prepare him for this busy year ahead. I guess I just feel really left out of it all, but I know that I really shouldn't.

To be honest, I'm kind of scared of this year to come. Last year was hard enough with Corey being so busy school and being an RA... now he's in seminary. Last year I felt like he didn't have time for me, but I know that things have changed... he has changed and I hope and pray that time will be made for us. I'm just scared...

Ashleigh just got home, so I think I'm going to end it here...
Yup, that's all for now!

Sin that Suffocates

I haven't written in a long time. I guess it hasn't really been that long, but longer than usual. Blogging everyday is usually something that I enjoy, and something that I have become used to, but the past week or so has been crazy for me.

So Corey and I went to Barrie on Tuesday night and stayed there until Friday afternoon. It was really good to be at home and to see my mom and dad before school starts. I know that once everything gets going I'll be lucky to see my parents before thanksgiving. Friday night Ashleigh, Jake and I stayed in London with Corey... and then Saturday morning we got all dressed up and headed to Chatham For Ben and Jess Martin's wedding. It was a beautiful wedding.

Now I'm back in dorm and though I've had plenty of rest I still feel exhausted.

I'm in a place where I feel more desperate than I ever have and I'm finding it hard to breath. Even though my body is resting, my heart and my head just keep going and I can't seem to stop them. It's getting easier though... this breathing thing. My sins were suffocating, but my fear and guilt kept them in the dark where Satan just fed on my human weaknesses. Now that they are in the light, where they can't survive I am starting to see that healing is possible and that I will be okay. We'll be okay. But only by God's grace and love and with the help of the amazing godly people He has placed in our lives.

Trusting God has never been something I have been good at; at times it seem impossible for me. I always seem to be so consumed with worry. But right now my tired heart is screaming for rest and I can only find that in the Lord... in trusting in His love for me and in the perfect plan He has for my life. As a weak and helpless sinner, I have no choice. I have to trust Him.

Golf and Microwaves

Oh my lanta, I am SO bored! ha.

In regard to my last post, I've moved all my stuff over to girl's dorm, but haven't unpacked yet. It's kind of ironic since in my last post I was telling you about how much I love to unpack. Well... right now, I don't really feel like unpacking, lol. So instead I am reading and blogging, two things that I seem to do a lot lately; I guess you could call them my hobbies. How exciting! I've never really had a hobby before. I'm one of those people who you would call skill-less. I have no skills. Lame.

So the wait for dorm room arrangements is over! Tim and Stacey sent all the emails out last night. Well, this morning actually. The email was sent at 1:56 am. I got it this morning when I woke up. I'm actually pretty happy about the way things ended up. I have Lou as my RA (I requested this), and Robyn, a girl that I know from home, as my roommate (I requested this as well). I got the bedroom with the small window though, that's the only thing I don't like much, but what can you do? I had a big window last year. I share the apartment with Megan Dyer, as well as two other freshman. They have to share the bunk-bed room- that is going to suck! There's only one dresser and then a closet. ANYways... their names as Danielle and Holly. I have to say that I am very excited for the start of the school year. Not so much for the actual school part... mainly just for all the people. Oh the wonderful people! How I miss them. This building has been too empty for far too long.

Corey's here now. I saw him around noon today. I didn't realize I had missed him so much. It felt so good to be folded in his arms again. Sadly, he has left. He's gone golfing with a couple of his professors (that makes me giggle a little). I'm not sure if Barry Howson ended up going, but I know Corey invited him. Corey's dream: Golf and Barry Howson- all at the same time, haha. I've come to learn that golfing takes forever, so I should expect Corey back around 5... maybe a little later. Maybe a lot later, lol. Who knows!? But on the bright side, we're going to Barrie tonight. It'll be the last time I see my family before school starts, and once school starts I probably won't see them until Thanksgiving. So needless to say I'm excited to spend a few days there. I believe that we're coming back on Friday. Ben and Jess' wedding is on Saturday, which I am also excited for. So much excitement all at once... I think my head might explode. Or my heart.

I've decided that I want to read through Daniel. I don't know why I picked that book exactly. Crazy dreams, fiery furnaces, and hungry lions? Hmm... maybe I do know why. I read this one verse the other day and I knew that my name belonged in it.

Daniel 5:23

And you have praised the gods of silver and gold, of bronze, iron, wood, and stone, which do not see or hear or know, but the God in whose hand is your breath, and whose are all your ways, you have not honored. 

Daniel says this to the king after he interprets the handwriting, and God is saying this to me.
I need to set my priorities straight. I have to stop worshipping the gold in my life, whether it's the computer, money, books, writing... my relationship with Corey. They all may be important things to me, but God needs to become and remain number one in my life. Everything else is just temporary, why would I ever put them before my Jesus?

I think that's all for now.
A few things that I have to remember to take home with me (maybe writing them down will help me not to forget):

My microwave. The one at my house is on the fritz, so they are in of the one they gave me. Dang.
My cellphones. Yes, I have more than one. My dad needs a new one... his broke. Dang.

And then my floor disappeared!

So I'm laying on my couch in my apartment, surrounded by the evidence of moving time; boxes are behind me, an empty kitchen beside me, and it's all so sad really. I never liked moving. My best friend moved away when we were in grade 4. That's the earliest memory I have of moving. Of course I hated it... my best friend was moving an hour and a half away and at that age that seemed so far.

I lived in the same house for 12 years. My family moved to Barrie the summer of my grade 10 year, and we've moved twice since then. Packing is always the worst: it makes me realize how much crap I have. 

Unpacking, mind you, I've always liked. I wonder why that is. It's almost like it's a fresh start. Yes, I have a lot of crap, and yes it was strewn about my room, so messy I could barely see my floor,  but now I get to start over. Who doesn't like fresh starts, clean slates? I get to take out all my things, and place them nicely on my shelves and in my drawers. I get to fold my clothes neatly in my dresser and hang my shirts and dresses in my closet according their various colours. I fool myself into thinking that I'll be able to keep it that way when in reality, a week later, my floor disappears. 

It's a lot like my relationship with God I think. At first, everything is so neat, but then I get lazy... sins start piling up on the floor and sooner than I know it, I can't see. I can't even move. I try shoving things under my bed, hoping that I'll forget about them... like God won't notice (I'm so stupid). Then God tries to get my attention, I trip over an old sin I had shoved beneath the carpet, and I fall. I fall so hard that I can't even get up on my own. Then God comes in. 

"Have I got you're attention now?" He asks me. 

I nod, and with tears rolling down my face, He helps me up. To my amazement, He even helps me clean everything up, taking those sins I tried so hard to hide, and throwing them in the garbage. 

Then, with a smile on His beautiful face he whispers, "Neither do I condemn you; go, and from now on sin no more" (John 8:11).

I get to start over! He has given me another chance and though I don't deserve it, He loves me.

I was reading in Luke today about the prodigal son, his older brother, and His loving father. Kait talked a little about it when we were at Court's cottage. She's reading this book called Prodigal God and instead of focusing on the younger brother like we do most of the time, it talks to the older brother and about what kind of person he represents in our churches. Reading the parable got me thinking about those I know who have walked out on God, "devouring God's property with prostitutes" (Luke 15:30). Then I think about myself and what my walk with God has been like. I would definitely consider myself more like the older brother. I've always been one to follow the rules, I never went through a 'rebellion' phase, and I've never really walked out on God... 

I wonder how I would react if all of a sudden one of those people I know realized their state and decided to run into God's arms again. I know God would be there with His arms open and a smile on His face, but what if He pours blessings on them, and gives them things that I've always wanted? Would I react like the older brother, becoming angry and resentful of God, claiming that it's not fair? Would I say the kind of things to God that the older brother said to his father? 

"Look, these many years I have served you, and I never disobeyed your command, yet you never gave me a young goat, that I might celebrate with my friends. But when this son of yours came, who has devoured your property with prostitutes, you killed the fattened calf for him!" (Luke 15:29-30)

I hope I wouldn't be like that. That's an awful way to be and would only prove that my relationship with God had been all about what I can get out of Him if I managed to follow all the rules and guidelines. It would say that I am only willing to listen if I get rewarded for it. And then I pose the question, "if there were no promise of heaven, would I still chose to follow Jesus?" Would you?

I really hope that my reaction instead would be agreeable to what the father then said to his older son: "Son, you are always with me, and all that is mine is yours. It was fitting to celebrate and be glad, for this your brother was dead, and is alive; he was lost, and is found." (Luke 15:31)

Please make me more like You, Lord! Let me not be like the Older brother, having a loyalty to You as long as there's something in it for me. That is my prayer for you as well... whoever you are.

I always wonder who actually reads these, if I'm just writing for myself? I know there are a few of you who do, and I am so glad for that. I think that even if no one read it, I would still write... I surprise myself sometimes. Or rather, God surprises me and I even learn from what I write. I find that my writing draws me closer to Him in a very unique way.

That's all for now,

Ciao :)

 

Isaiah 43

But now thus says the Lord, He who created you, O Jacob, He who formed you, O Israel: Fear not for I have redeemed you; I have called you by name, you are Mine. When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and through the rivers, they shall not overwhelm you; and when you walk through the fires you shall not be burned, and the flames shall not consume you. For I am the Lord your God, the Holy One of Israel, your Saviour. I give Egypt as your ransom, Cush and Seba in exchange for you. Because you are precious in my eyes, and honored, and I love you, I give men in return for you, peoples in exchange for your life. Fear not, for I am with you; I will bring your offspring from the the east, and from the west I will gather you. I will say to the north, Give up, and to the south, Do not withhold; bring my sons from afar and my daughters from the end of the earth, everyone who is called by my name, whom I created for my glory, whom I formed and made.

Bring out the people who are blind, yet have eyes, who are deaf, yet have ears! All the nations gather together, and assemble. Who among them can declare this, and show us the former things? Let them bring their witnesses to prove them right, and let them hear and say, It is true. "You are my witnesses," declares the Lord, "and my servant whom I have chosen, that you may know and believe me and understand that I am He. Before me no god was formed, nor shall there be any after me. I, I am the Lord, and besides me there is no saviour. I declared and saved and proclaimed, when there was no strange god among you; and you are my witnesses," declares the Lord, "and I am God. Also henceforth I am he; there is none who can deliver from my hand; I work and who can turn it back?" 

Thus says the Lord, your redeemer, the Holy One of Israel: For your sake I send to Babylon and bring them all down as fugitives, even the Chaldeans, in the ships in which they rejoice. I am the Lord, your Holy One, the Creator of Israel, your King.

Thus says the Lord, who makes a way in the sea, a path in the mighty water, who bring forth chariot and horse, army and warrior; they lie down, they cannot rise, they are extinguished, quenched like a wick: remember not the former things, nor consider the things of old. Behold, I am doing a new thing; now it springs forth, do you not perceive it? I will make a way in the wilderness and rivers in the desert. The wild beasts will honor me, the jackals ad the ostriches, for I give water in the wilderness, rivers in the desert, to give drink to my chosen people, the people whom I formed for myself that they might declare my praise. 

"Yet you did not call upon me, O Jacob; but you have not been weary of me, O Israel! You have not brought me your sheep for burnt offerings, or honored me with your sacrifices. I have not burdened you with offerings, or wearied you with frankincense. You have not brought me sweet cane with money, or satisfied me with the fat of your sacrifices. But you have burdened me with your sins; you have wearied me with your iniquities. 

"I, I am he who blots out your transgressions for my own sake, and I will not remember your sins. Put me in remembrance; let us argue together; set forth your case, that you may be proved right. Your first father sinned, and your mediators transgressed against me. Therefore I will profane the princes of the sanctuary, and deliver Jacob to utter destruction and Israel to reviling. 

Love. It.

That's all... :)

"I ain't the Lord, no I'm just a fool, Learning..."

I've decided that I am the most impatient person in the world. There's so many things in my life right now that I'm just waiting for... and I don't really have much else to do other than wait. I'm waiting for Blockbuster to phone me, although I'm starting to think that I'm doing that in vain. I'm waiting to find out my dorm situation for this year. I'm waiting for when I get to see Corey again. I'm waiting for the wedding coming up next weekend. I'm waiting for school to start... And in the meantime I sit here with my roommates, I read, and I blog. 

I slept until 12:30 today. It's actually quite ironic because just last night I was talking to Corey on the phone, trying to argue my case because he suggested that I sleep until noon all the time. I told him that I don't and was very firm in my defense. And then I slept till noon this morning. Until 12:30 actually, which is a half an hour worse. In my defense, I had a really bad sleep last night. I have been having a hard time sleeping a lot lately actually. It's frustrating. I couldn't fall asleep last night so I decided to just stop trying. I made myself perogies at 1 o'clock in the morning. Here's a word of caution for y'all: don't eat perogies at 1 o'clock in the morning. Worst idea of my life. After creeping facebook for a little while longer, I tried my hand at sleep again, but it took a long time to drift off and I woke up a number of times. So I slept until 12:30. It's only fair. 

And now I'm waiting for my laundry to be done. Tick tock, tick tock.

I was reading Psalm 139 yesterday for the umpteenth time. It's one of my favourite psalms, it always makes me feel so loved and protected. The cool thing though, is that this time I noticed a couple verses that I never really paid all the much attention to before. I always read them, but this time they just seemed more alive, more relevant I guess. Not that they weren't relevant before... but I just seemed to noticed them now. Which is unfortunate for me. 

"Search me, O God, and know my heart! 

Try me and know my thoughts!

And see if there be any grievous way in me,

and lead me in the way everlasting!"

Psalm 139:23-24

That's what my prayer is. God knows me better than anyone. I know this from reading the first 16 verses of this Psalm. God knows me better than I even know myself, so who better to ask than Him? I'm always seeing new sin in my life that I never even knew existed. Sometimes we can get so caught up in one sin that we forget or ignore another. So my prayer is that God would reveal my sin to me so that we can deal with it together. 

I think my laundry is done now.

Until next time... 

.

Today's mine and Corey's 10 months.

I miss him.

Oh How He Loves Us

It's been a few days since I've blogged, which is kind of weird since I've made a habit recently of doing it everyday. I've just rediscovered my love for writing and feel like I just want to do it all the time! I find myself thinking of how I would write things and things that I can write about. This part of me has kind of been asleep for awhile and I'm not really sure why. Maybe this start of me seriously pursuing God in my life has made the difference. Maybe my new awareness of my need for God has reawakened this passion. After all, He's the one who gave it to me isn't He?

So the reason it's been a few days is because I've just returned from a weekend at Lou's cottage with Kait and Mami. It was so good to just get away with these wonderful girls. There's something about being on a lake, away from the men in our lives that brings out the craziness in girls. It's so much fun!

We drove up on Friday night. Kait's husband Phil drove us up; finding another way there proved to be impossible. It was scorching hot, no AC to be found, and the traffic was brutal, but we made it! I shouldn't complain that it was hot. This summer has hardly been a summer if you ask me... the nice days that we've been having and the ones to come are a blessing, and winter always seems to be just around the corner. Anyways, hot weather is always good for cottage weekends.

We talked, we laughed, and we danced. The first night we decided to go swimming at like 1 o'clock in the morning. We had to take a canoe across the water to a beach. It was pretty much the darkest night ever... the moon was so tiny and seemed so dull. So needless to say we could barely see, which made our adventure even more exciting it you ask me! (That rhymed, haha). We had a fire on Saturday night; roasted marshmallows and wieners... made s'mores :) One of my favourite parts of this weekend was that night too. Kait and I went and laid down on the dock for what seemed like hours. I don't remember the last time I saw so many stars! Here in Cambridge you can basically see one star when you look up. It's pretty pathetic actually. So many lights. Too many lights. Her and I just gazed at the stars as we talked. It was all so intimate and perfect. We even saw shooting stars. Multiple shooting stars. And there was this one... it was so bright and so long and left a trail as it shot across the sky. It excited me so much. It was in that moment, as I laid under God's beautiful creation that I wanted so much to write and to just talk about all the emotions and thoughts that I was experiencing. Kait asked me what I would blog about if I could. I would have blogged about how small I felt under how big and real I could see God is. I thought about that song, Indescribable and the lyric that says, "You placed the stars in the sky and You know them by name." I couldn't wrap my mind around it. I don't know how people can look up at what I was seeing and say that there is no God. God's exactly who I saw while I was laying there under the twinkling stars. There's no other explanation. God.

On sunday night we came back to Cambridge and went to hear Phil speak. He spoke about love, loving others, loving God. And he spoke of God's love for us. He spoke wonderful truth and it was so convicting. We love because He first loved us. In order for us the love others the way that God loves us we have to realize that God loves us so much! The reason why we have so much trouble loving others is because we haven't fully grasped how great God's love for us really is. I know this is true for me. I don't understand how God could love someone like me. I try, and the reality of His love is being revealed to me more and more, but I don't think I'll ever be able to fully know how He loves me. I've been listening to this song that I have come to love. It heard it a while ago, but just listening to it today I've come to love it so much and I feel like I could just weep listening to it. 

He is jealous for me 
Love's like a hurricane, I am a tree 
Bending beneath the weight of His wind and mercy 
When all of a sudden, I am unaware of these afflictions eclipsed by glory 
and I realize just how beautiful You are and how great your affections are for me. 
Oh, how He loves us so 
Oh, how He loves us 
How He loves us so. 

Yeah, He loves us 
Oh, how He loves us 
Oh, how He loves us 
Oh, how He loves. 

So we are His portion and He is our prize, 
Drawn to redemption by the grace in His eyes 
If grace is an ocean we're all sinking 
So heaven meets earth like a sloppy wet kiss and my heart turns violently inside of my chest 
I don't have time to maintain these regrets when I think about the way 

That he loves us, 
Oh, how He loves us 
Oh, how He loves us 
Oh, how He loves 

He loves us, 
Oh, how He loves us 
Oh, how He loves us 
Oh, how He loves 

I love it! Oh how He loves me! Click here if you wanna listen to it! Please do listen to it.

Ps. Here's a few pictures from this weekend

Court asked me to go find another marshmallow stick... 

and this is what I brought her.

Who would have thought? Deep fired Mars Bars 

are delicious! 

Sorry about the random crotch shot! Baha!