Desiderio Domini

"I love a lonely day... it chases me to You."

Today, if you haven't already guessed, I am having a lonely day. Everyone I wish was here with me, isn't and the weight of being by myself feels so heavy right now. That's my greatest fear you know... being alone. How sad that I should fear it when the truth is that I am never alone. God has promised me that He will never leave me, or forsake me. So why do I feel like this? Why do I feel like I'm the only one here, and everyone has left me? Wasn't it just yesterday that I was telling you about the beautiful day I spent with my friends? Oh yeah... I guess I do have those.

As I write this I am sitting outside. It's a beautiful day, warm and peaceful. It's just me, under a tree with my laptop, my Bible, and some chocolate covered cranberries. Oh and God is here too. The warm breeze against my face proves this. The flutter of birds' wings and the chirping of crickets remind that God is so powerful, beautiful, and creative. Even the gross little green bug that was making its way across my foot reminds me of Him. I think God chuckles at my girlish squirms. What is the purpose of insects? And why am I so scared of such small fragile things? Yet another reason to not feel alone: the bugs, in all their yuck, creepiness, and legs are with me, happy to offer a touch of comfort. And even when with my thumb and index finger I send them flying, they always come back.

I wish I could say that I love a lonely day. I am learning. After all, why wouldn't I love a day spent just me and my Jesus? What kind of idiot am I? 

I read an ancient story about the Apostle Peter in the latter years of his life. It was often said that he would weep whenever a cock would crow. Of course I understand why, knowing the story of Peter's denial, but the story goes that Peter would often weep at other times, and no one quite knew why. Finally, one day a young saint was able to work up enough courage to ask him about it.

"Peter, why do you so often weep?" he inquired cautiously. 

Peter turned to the boy and with intense yearning burning in his eyes he replied softly, "Desiderio Domini." 

It's latin. Translated, this means "I dearly long to be with my Lord."

After reading that story I began to read about heaven in the last two chapters of Revelation. I tried to picture myself, or anyone really, weeping because of my longing to be with my Lord. I know that there are days when I was wish the Lord would just take me because life is just too hard. But I think the weeping that comes in those moments is caused by the pain I feel and by a longing for earthly experiences, not by a longing I have to be with Jesus. Even after reading those chapters in Revelation, my mind is just so human and I can't seem to get it wrapped around how completely wonderful being there with Jesus is going to be. All I can do is continue to pursue Him, keep falling deeply in love with as I learn to long for Him and wait for the day when I get to experience Christ face to face, and be with Him for eternity. 

I want to be like Mary!

I am happy to report that today I had a fantastic day! It started out early at about 8:00 when Ashleigh, Jake, and I proceeded to make scrambled eggs and bagels for breakfast. It was delicious, and although I don't really care for waking up before 9--okay, 10--I was in a good mood. The reason for my early awakening was to babysit for Tim and Stacey... they are the RDs here at Heritage. Their son's name is Joshua. He is two and so cute! I got there at 9 o'clock and the little one slept until 10:30, bless his precious soul! I know mothers who haven't had the privilege of sleeping that late ever since having kids. Joshua's sleeping so long amazed me. 

Later that afternoon Kait text Ashleigh, Christina, and I, inviting us to accompany them to Shades Mills. It's a park here in Cambridge with a little beach along with other things that I didn't get to see. Ashleigh couldn't come because she had to work, but Jake came! It cost $4.25 to get into this park. Whoever heard of a park having and admissions fee? ... and they didn't even have caged animals. I only say caged because the squirrels twitching along the forest floor don't count. I want a zoo people! Springwater Park in Barrie has a zoo...

So anyway, we sat on a blanket in the sun by the lake. Then we sat on a blanket in the shade by the lake because the sun's rays seemed to be making us sweat in places we didn't know we had. We put our feet in the water for a little while, but quickly exited the water when Jake pointed out that there seemed to be green, poop-looking gunk floating on the water--straight towards us! There were canoes for us to rent and take out on the lake, which we were very interested in using, but we weren't sure where to pay or get lifejackets or anything. So needless to say, we didn't do that. Although we talked about just taking one and going out, but I believe that's called stealing and I've always been taught not to steal. So instead we played Phase 10. If you weren't aware, or have never heard of such a game here's a warning: longest card game ever. I don't advise anyone to play it while sitting on the ground unless you're up for being crippled for the rest of your life. My back still hurts. It's so long that we didn't even get to finish before it started raining on us. Pip, pip, looks like rain. We fled at the first cool drop on our sticky skin.

I had a nap when we got back to our apartment. Early mornings, fresh air, and wild heat have their way of making me oh so tired. I could barely keep my eyes open. 

To end off my night I had perogies for dinner, and now I am here, curled up on the couch telling you all about my wonderful day. It's 10:30 already. Wow.

Today I was reading in John about Mary washing Christ's feet with her most fragrant perfume. And she used her hair as a cloth no doubt! What a servant's heart.

John 12:3-8

 Mary therefore, took a pound of expensive ointment made from pure nard, and anointed the feet of Jesus and wiped his feet with her hair. The house was filled with the fragrance of the perfume. But Judas Iscariot, one of his disciples (he who was about to betray him), said, "Why was this ointment not sold for 300 denarii and given to the poor?" He said this, not because he cared about the poor, but because he was a thief, and having charge of the moneybag he used to help himself to what was put in it. Jesus said, "Leave her alone, so that she may keep it for the day of my burial. For the poor you always have with you, but you do not always have me"

I wish I could say that I am so much like Mary, so willing to sacrifice even the most valuable things just to use on someone's dirty old feet... on the feet of Christ. I am afraid to say that I might be more like Judas... the likes of a thief. I want my body to be filled with the fragrance of Christ. I want to have the heart of a servant, like Mary did. She loved her precious Jesus so much. I want that. I want to be able to show Him that in the way that I serve Him and serve others. 

Something that sparked my interest was the words Christ used when he said, "but you do not always have me." He spoke of His burial, referencing to His death, but instead of saying "you will not always have me," he says, "do." I'm not sure why he used that word... I know that it's foreshadowing the shortness of time remaining for His disciples to take part in His earthly ministry... I just don't know why he would say do instead of will... like he was already dead or something. 

Anyways, I'm pooped. I think I'll brush my teeth and then head to bed. Until next time...

Chocolate Covered Cranberries

I have made the best discovery ever. Chocolate covered cranberries. I went to Zehrs last night at the 10:30 to get a few things and I decided to treat myself. I proceeded to make my way over to the chocolate covered raisins and noticed beside them the cranberries. I decided to go with the cranberries. And the raisins. I got both. Just call me Little Miss Piggy.

Anyways, I haven't eaten the raisins yet. I'm too bust stuffing my face with the cranberries. Yum. They're not much different... Ashleigh (who is enjoying them with me) and I concluded that they're a tad sweeter. Whatever they are they're good and I am wishing that I had bought more cranberries instead of both them and the raisins. Arg.

Any-who, I think I'm going to change my blog template now. As I predicted... I am bored of this one. 

Beatus!

I've always wondered why they were called the "Beatitudes." Thanks to my trusty study Bible, I now know. It comes from the latin word 'beatus,' which means blessed, happy. Ergo, this list of spiritual attributes that each begin with the word 'blessed' has been appropriately named The Beatitudes. 

I read Matthew 5:3-4 today.

3Blessed are the poor in spirit for theirs is the kingdom of heaven. 4Blessed are those who mourn for they shall be comforted.

It's wonderful how Jesus addressed being poor in spirit first. I think that humility and realizing our utter need for God in our lives is so important in understanding the rest of it. He's so smart :) I hope that God would continue to help me further recognize my need for Him in my life. That He would remind of this every second of every day. When I fail to live this truth out I try to take hold of the steering wheel. And let's face it-- I'm the worst driver in the whole world. I crash and then I burn. The god news is that along with blessing the poor in spirit, God comforts those who mourn. When we sin we experience loss whether it be spiritual, or emotional, or... whatever else. As a result of this we begin to mourn and our spirits long for God's healing and forgiveness. Isn't it wonderful that He promises to comfort us? To comfort me. Little old me. Yay :)

I went to see a movie tonight with Kristyn and Candice. They were on their way home from Barrie and decided to drop by and hang with me for a while. Have you ever come out of a movie with this overwhelming urge to reenact everything you just saw? Well that's how I feel right now. Except that I don't feel like swashbuckling or delivering roundhouse kicks to someone's face, lol. And I do not believe that if I say the word 'lumous' with enough gusto light will suddenly burst forth from a stick I'm holding. I feel like cooking. And just like I don't know how to deliver any sort of kick to anyone's head, I have absolutely no idea how to cook. We watched Julie & Julia and it was wonderful! I didn't expect it to be so funny, but I found myself laughing out loud a lot... and quite loud, but that's normal. It was funny because we realized that the three of us were the youngest people in the entire theatre. By a lot. No joke... I believe that every other person in the theater was over the age of 60. It made us chuckle... I guess we're a bunch of old souls when it comes to our taste in movies. We also noticed a very odd thing: two people were sitting in the very front row. This wouldn't have been so odd except for the fact that the theater wasn't even half full and they had dozens of other, better seats to choose from. They intentionally, willingly sat in the first row. Now if that isn't weird then I don't know what is! Who likes to have to follow the always moving characters with their heads instead of their eyes? Who enjoys seeing the actors' actual pores, up-close and personal? Maybe they like to feel like they're in the movie. Who knows? All I know is that sitting that close actually makes to start to feel sick! 

I also know that I love Meryl Streep. And this movie made me love her even more. She is such a wonderful actress. I think she could play any character in the world.

Oh and another thing... that movie made me so hungry. I think I'm going to make myself something right now.

Bon Appétit!

Grace

This morning Corey came into my room while I was sleeping to say goodbye to me. I love it when he does this. He does it all the time when I stay at his house and he has to go to work in the morning. He'll come into my room at like 6:30 in the morning just to say bye. It's nice to know that he's thinking about me and it puts a smile on my face even at that hour!

Yesterday Corey and I decided that we need to spend some time apart to refocus. I've been looking to Corey for things that I should be looking to God for. I need this time so I can set my undivided attention on God; praying and trusting and seeking his will for our relationship. So this morning when he came to say bye neither of us were sure how long it will be before we see each other again. That's why my mood plummeted and I became almost angry when he acted so distant. When I had to ask him 'please' to hug me, and when he pulled away and said that he had to leave before I was ready to let him go. I wasn't able to fall back asleep when he left and because I chose to be upset I didn't get up for church this morning. I just didn't feel like it. What a lousy excuse, huh? I know, and am reminding myself now that it wasn't Corey's intention to make me feel the way he did. He probably had his own reason for being so distant, for pushing me away. It may even be the same reason I was wanting to pull him so close--he was leaving, and the next part, the part that started as he walked out my door, is going to be really hard.

So after God convicted me of my wrongful emotional reaction (and he continues to do so even as I'm writing this), I decided that I needed to make better use of my time and I watched an online sermon. It was on Grace--hence the title of this blog--and the speaker was mark Driscoll. I realized that I'd never heard God's Grace preached and since I have the word tattooed on my wrist, I should probably learn more about it!

It's amazing How God reveals your sins when you didn't even think you were having issues in that specific area. Sure I have issues and plenty of them, but I didn't think this was one of them.  I struggle with Grace. 

Mark says that there are two categories of Grace: Common Grace, and Saving Grace. Common Grace is the Grace that everyone gets. Like food and rain, love and family... even laughter. Saving Grace is Grace upon Grace. This is the Grace that God gives to those who have committed their lives to him, believing in Christ and what he did for us... thereby being saved by Grace. Within saving Grace there are 14 kinds of Grace:

1. Electing Grace

2. Preached Grace

3. Regenerating Grace

4. Converting Grace

5. Justifying Grace. 

6. Adopting Grace

7. Ministry Grace

8. Sanctifying Grace

9. Empowering Grace

10. Provisional Grace

11. Financial Grace

12. Miraculous Grace

13. Persevering Grace

14. Glorifying Grace

My eyes were opened to my struggle and ultimately to my sin. Justifying Grace, and Persevering Grace. Those are what I most struggle with. 

Justifying Grace is what Christ showed me when he died and gave me his righteousness, taking away my sin. I forget this ALL THE TIME and start to view it as merit and demerit: If I do good, God will love me more, and if I do bad, God will love me less. When I have a good day where I feel like I've "done good" I start to think that God in a much lovelier light, and the opposite is true when I feel like I've had a bad day full of sin. I get depressed and lonely and angry at myself and can't imagine how God could love me as much today as He did on my good day. Both of these reaction are pride and are so sinful! I have to know, believe, and live that Grace is UNmerited and that merited Grace is a demonic lie.

The second type of Grace that I struggle with is persevering Grace. I think this is my biggest thing, and something that I've always known I struggle with, but I never saw it in terms of Grace, or of it having anything to do with Grace. This Grace is Grace for the future... Grace for tomorrow. It happens like this...

I start to think about the future, even as close as tomorrow, and I start to freak out. Like... panic attack here I come sort of freaking out. And I do this because for some reason I doubt that God's Grace will be there. What if He just decides to not be there, to not take care of me anymore--He knows that I'm ill-deserving of it! I fail to trust that God's Saving Grace will remain in my life today, tomorrow, 10 years from now...

And that's what it comes back to. That's what it always seems to come back to. Trust. Trust trust trust!

I was really encouraged by something else Mark said. That trust in God is a gift. It's not something that we could ever do on our own. To our human minds it doesn't make any sense. Our minds are so busy trying to figure out how we're going to be able to make ourselves trust in someone we can't even see. We get distracted, and worked up, and frustrated because no matter how hard we try and think it true... IT'S NOT WORKING. And that's because on our own it will never work... trust is a gift and it's something that we have to seek after and pray for. God will give us trust in Him as we grow in knowledge and understanding and as we bury ourselves in the truth of His Word, and spend time with Him. Because really... how can you ever trust in someone who don't even know or have a good relationship with?

Wow, this was a long one! But I hope that you took the time to read it. I really enjoy learning and it makes it so much more enjoyable when I can share what God is teaching me with other people.

I think that's all for now :)

PS. My Maida might be coming today. I miss herrrr :( 

Oh, and here's the link to the sermon... it's really good!

http://www.marshillchurch.org/media/religionsaves/grace

Bling for your Blog

Believe it or not, I've just sat at my computer for over two hours, wasting this precious day looking for blog templates. I suck.

There was just so many to choose from... and in the end I chose the simplest one. And I know myself enough to say that in a couple of days I'll get sick of it and change it. Bah.

By day has been pretty mellow thus far. I slept in until 10:30ish, had some Cinnamon Toast Crunch (which is delicious by the way!) and now I am here. I haven't even showered yet. I think I'm too lazy. 

Last night was a good time though. Nothing out of the ordinary happened, but the conversation was entertaining. I sat in my living-room with Jake and Ashleigh and we talked about wedding day preferences for what seemed like hours. From shoes to veils, we covered it all! I was actually quite surprised to find that Jake was enjoying our dialogue as much as Ash and I were, haha. In fact, it was Jake who kept the conversation going most of the time. Funny :)

So I have a job interview at Blockbuster on Monday afternoon. How exciting! How nerve-racking actually. I hate interviews... I don't really like having to sell myself to someone. "Why should we hire you?" Well... because I don't have a job currently and would really like the money to eat next month! It's Thursday. That means I have 4 more days before I have to worry about it. 

Two more days until the weekend. I think I'm seeing Corey then. I miss him, so hopefully he's able to visit me on his way home from... wherever the heck he is! 

That's all folks!

PS. I love peanut M&Ms. The end.

Change is good

So it's been awhile... so much for this blog thing. But here I am again, and I hope to continue with this (I really do!)

I'm back at my apartment for the first time in what seems like forever! Not having a job has made it easy for me to stay elsewhere, which has been fun, but it's good to be here again. I can be alone, spend the time that I need to with God, and think (which sometimes isn't a good thing I've learned). My mind seems to wander to places that upset me, but God knows that that is what I need in order for things to change in my life... and oh how they need to change.

I haven't had any luck with jobs since the last time I wrote. Without work I'm either at home with my parents or at Corey's house. If I could I think I would spend all my time in London with them. I've gotten so comfortable there and I love his family so much! I kind of wish I was there now, but I think God wants me to be on my own for now, and I've hardly spent any time with my roommates this summer. Ashleigh is off for a few days, so she has been here to keep me company. It's when everyone's gone off to work that I start to hate being here. I wouldn't say that I get bored so much as lonely. I could sit and do nothing all day as long as it's with someone.

God's been revealing a lot to me these few days that I've been here. I have a lot to think about and a lot to work through. I thought that I knew what I wanted, and what I want hasn't changed, but I've realized I have a lot to fix before it's wise to move on with the things that I want. Things within myself, my relationship with God, and my relationship with a specific someone. I've also realized that there's no way I am going to be able to fix these things on my own. Praying and seeking my way through these obstacles, relying on God's strength and the courage He will give me is the only way. Reality is just too hard to face on my own. 

School's starting soon and I am so excited! I can't wait for people, haha. Just to have all the people around again, that's what I love. The summer has gone by quickly, so I'm sure this last month will as well. Can't believe that Corey and I have been dating for almost a year! Craziness :) A good crazy of course. 

Well that's it for now I think! I'll be back soon.