I must have confidence.

As I read on in Hebrews I am struck by yet another conviction of truth and pure love. Often times I think of the word conviction and it sounds so harsh. A lot of people, including myself sometimes, think that being convicted of something is a bad feeling... on that isn't wanted. But as I sit here, alone in my room, and as I slowly turn through God's pages, searching for food... I am able to thank God for the wonderful gift of the Holy Spirit. Convictions are good. Conviction is evidence of my growth and learning, and that is so exciting to me.

Now on to talking about what it was that I was so convicted of. It's not really something huge I don't think. Or even something that I have spent a lot of time thinking about in the past. I was convicted of my lack of confidence in Christ and in what everything about Him means for me. When I feel guilty or ashamed before God because of my sin it's because I don't have confidence that I am so forgiven and so pure before Him because of what Christ did for me. Hebrews 10:19 says:

"Therefore, brothers, since we have confidence to enter the holy places by the blood of Jesus..."  

Because of Christ's blood shed on the cross for MY sins... I should have confidence because I am made righteous and pure. I am forgiven, God doesn't remember my sin... so why all this guilt? Why do I feel worthless and dirty in light of a God who calls me His beautiful, loved child? Help me Lord. Help me to understand the depth of your love for me. Engrave Your lovely name on my heart.

A couple last few verses just because I loved them so much as I read over the words, and because they have taken ahold of my selfish, stubborn heart...

"Let us draw near with a true heart in full assurance of faith, with our hearts sprinkled clean from an evil conscience and our bodies washed with pure water. Let us hold fast the confession of our hope without wavering, for he who promised is faithful. And let is consider how to stir up one another to love and good works, not neglecting to meet together as is the habit of some, but encouraging one another, and all the more as you see the Day drawing near." Hebrews 10:22-25 

On another note... Christmas is almost here! 5 more sleeps :) I'm so exciting to spend time with my family laughing and eating and just loving each other. That's what I love doing.

The past few years have been kind of confusing as far as when we celebrate with who goes. Ever since I was little my family has celebrated Christmas with my dad's side on Christmas eve at my nana's house. We'd go over there after church that night and hang out, eat and give presents. My nana died a few years ago though, so things have changed. It's kinda sad, but that's what happens in life. I was thinking about how hard it's going to be to work visiting and stuff out when I get married. What happens if our families celebrate on the same day? We will have to choose... that will be difficult I think.
Anyways, Christmas day is always spent at my Zia's (aunt's) house with my mom's side of the family. It's a lot different, but I love it just the same.

After all the hustle and bustle has died down after christmas things will start to get really boring I bet. Come January I think I'll be really anxious to go back to school, but I have to try and keep myself busy so I don't get stir crazy...

ANYWAY... I think that's all for now.
I'll write soon I'm sure
Cait xo   

 

 

God's Love Language.

Today I was reading a few verses in Hebrews about forgiveness and Christ's blood being the ultimate sacrifice and for some reason I started thinking about Abraham and God asking him to sacrifice his son Isaac.

I thought about how ready and willing Abraham was to obey God in anything that He asked him to do. How difficult that must have been for him, how torn his heart must have been. Or maybe... maybe his heart wasn't torn at all. Perhaps he was so in love with his Lord and creator that it wasn't hard for him at all. His sovereign God was asking him to do something--why should he have to think twice about it.

Yet I sit here when God asks me to do things because it seems to be so difficult for me to just obey though what he requires of me is so small and easy compared to what God asked Abraham. I don't do things God asks of me because I am too tired, or it takes too much time or work. God sacrificed His only Son for me, who am I to not give Him some of my time--ALL of my time? That every waking moment of my life would be glorifying to Him.

I know and believe that God is more important than anything or anyone... it's just living it out that seems to be impossible for me. But I know it's not impossible if I would just look to Him for help, strength and guidance. When I get distracted I need His Holy Spirit to tug at my heart, gently reminding me of what's more important.

My prayer for myself, and for you... whoever you are... is that the Lord would give us Grace to to love Him more than we love anyone or anything, and Grace to put our relationship with Him above any other relationship.

God be the center of my world.

Babysitting Two Little Cutie-Pies!

So semester one is over finally and it feels so good! I haven't really been all that motivated this semester for a vasriety of reasons, none of which are good reasons. I guess I just felt that there was no point in my being in the classes I was in because they were for a program that I switched out of.
I finished though (I don't know how well), and I am excited for this long break and for the semester to come... I get to take Bible classes next semester. Can you imagine? Bible classes at a Bible school!? Who woulda thunk it? In some ways I'm scared because I know it's going to be a challenge for me, but that's also the part that excites me. I've never really been challenged and I know that's what I need in order to keep growing... and I just want to keep growing!

I'm at a friend's house right now babysitting her two little girls, Elly and Autumn. They are adorable! However trying to get them ready for bed and actually in bed, sleeping has made me realize what a challenge being a mom is going to be! I've babysat Elly before and I didn't find it too stressful, but add another baby and it's a whole other ball game. I have a new respect for young moms... babies are hard work--and these weren't even my own and it's only for one night! They're such a joy though and along with the stress I can also see where the joy is. Elly's three and she says the funniest things that you would never expect her to know about let alone talk about! I have my nosed pierced and I am wearing a ring in it right now. Elly looks at me while I was reading her a story and interrups to say, "you have a hole in your nose." I smiled at her and told her what it was. Then she said, "It's a ring. That means you can get married." HAHA. Cutest little girl. And she kept telling me how much she likes me and that she loves me and wants me to stay... bless her little heart. I love her to pieces.

So being her, babysitting, means that I'm home in Barrie now. I can't say that I'm too excited about that. I love my family, I do... and I miss them, but sometimes I hate being in my house. My brothers just make everything crazy and all I ever hear is arguing and swearing and yelling. I hate it and just don't want to be there when it's going on... which is a lot of them time.

But God has been and will contimue to be faithful, as always. He gives me strength and answers my prayers and holds me when I cry.
At the moment though I'm quite happy. Something very exciting happened yesterday and I will tell you about it soon...

Okay. I think that's all for now.
Peace out.

Overwhelmed (in a good way!)

The past few days have been really exciting for me with everything that I have been thinking about, and learning about... being challenged with.

If there is one good thing that came out of Corey and I breaking up, it's how much I have been, and I know he has been growing. And even though it's still hard almost all of the time, not being with Corey will be worth it. As I continue to seek God, grow in knowledge and understanding of His character and His love for me, and as I seek His will for my life, I know He will show up and make all of this pain make sense in how it is essential in His plan for my life. I still have such a deep desire to be a wife, but I am trusting God (well, trying very very hard to trust God) that when I am ready (according to Him) to be a wife, I will be blessed. Even though everything inside of me wants someone specific to be that blessing, I know God will fulfill my desires... no matter who that person might be.

So we've been talking about the gospel a lot lately, and it got me thinking hard about my attitude towards what Christ did for me on the cross. I let myself get into a place where Christ's sacrifice becomes old, just a story that I have heard oh so many times. I've been convicted of how wrong that is and I've been challenged to make it something real and powerful and overwhelming.
So I've started to read the story of Christ's death and resurrection, starting in John and going back through each of the gospels. While reading I realized something that surprised me at the same time as it made me so sad: I have never, before now, actually read this story. I've heard it so many times throughout my life, I've had parts of it read to me, but I've never read the entire thing for myself. How unbelievably sad is that? Now that I am reading it, I really want to make sure I get everything out of it that I can. I pray before I read that the Spirit would just move in me and open my heart to what God wants me to know and understand. I'm on my third time reading it, this time in Mark, and Christ has revealed more about His love for me each time. And it's so overwhelming and wonderful.

I've been growing over the last month and a bit, and it has made me more excited about continuing to do so. I just want to grow and learn.

I am so blessed to be at a school like I am where I'm surrounded by people who love the Lord and where I have the opportunity to be fed like I could never be if I were anywhere else. One thing that happened recently that really excited was when I was having a conversation with a few of the people I go to school with. It was on the topic of election and we ended up talking about whether or not babies who die go to heaven. I know that it's a pretty heavy topic and can get very emotional and confusing and I went into it with my mind made up on what I believed about it. But as we talked and as I asked questions my view was challenged. A couple days later I brought the topic up again with some other people and I was given a passage to read - and as I read and as we discussed the passage, it just all made sense. I know that a lot of people really struggle with understanding, especially when they believed something completely different before, but I didn't really struggle with it, and I am so excited that my view was challenged and changed! By the way, the passage I read was Romans 9... good stuff.

I'm in the library right now... supposedly working, although sometimes I don't really feel like this is a job. When there's nothing to keep myself busy with (work wise), there is really nothing. No books to be covered or put away, no cards to be filed... no people to help. I guess I could be doing some shelf reading, but it's not the most enjoyable of jobs and I did a whole section on Tuesday! So instead I write blogs and catch up on some homework. There's only 45 minutes left until I have to close, so I'm just waiting for people to need me.

Hockey is tonight and it think I'm going to a friend's house on Sunday with a bunch of people, so this weekend should be fun.

I think that's all for now.
Peace out.
Cait xo

He doesn't call the qualified, He qualifies the called.

Here I am, writing yet again! This is amazing to me seeing as I haven't really been writing as often as I want to. The fact that I want to write, yet don't confuses me a little. If I want to write, then why don't I? I guess life is just too distracting. Right now is the perfect time because I am alone and my mind is filled with thoughts of today and of the future (not that I know anything about the future... that's the problem I think!).

I was talking to someone today and they were telling me of all the potential they see in me. They confessed that it's hard for them because they know what I am capable of, but they always see me selling myself short. They think that I don't want things for myself because I think I won't be able to do them.
They are right in some ways. They are wrong however, in saying that I don't want things for myself. I would like a lot of things for myself, but it's so difficult to view my abilities based on what God can do through me. I always feel so small and inadequate. It scares me to think about things I could do-- teaching or speaking in front of people scares the crap out of me and just thinking about those things makes to want to vomit. Even the thought of speaking to children scares me. I feel that I don't have the ability or even the right to speak to anyone about anything. It doesn't mean that I don't want those things for myself.

I have this desire for God to use me in amazing ways. I just don't know how He would do it... I'm not that creative (good thing He is). I would love to speak to young women, to love them and encourage them in their walks with Jesus, sharing my life's experiences and lessons. I would love to write a book! I love to write so much and writing a book... having a book published... seems like the most wonderful thing. But I know that I can't do those things on my own. I don't know how God could use little old me.

What is truth though, and what I have to keep reminding myself of, is that God doesn't call the qualified, He qualifies the called. And I am called! I don't know what I'm called to yet, but my prayer is that God would reveal that to me. My prayer is that God would stir in me a desire to do wonderful things for His kingdom, and that He would motivate me in my walk. Lord, give me confidence in Your ability to use me no matter how small or inadequate I feel. I might be small and I might now measure up, but the Lord can still use me... and He will, if I would just let him!

So I'm all alone for the next few days. Kind of. It's reading week and I'm at school while my roommates have gone home. Lou just left today too. It kind of sucks, but it's also good to be alone sometimes. People tend to distract me from what's important. Not that it's their fault in any way. It's my fault... I really need to straighten out my priorities. I need to love Jesus more than I love socializing with my friends. Anyway, being alone has given, and continues to give me time to think and reflect on God and on who I am supposed to be in light of Him and His plan for my life. I feel like I don't know anything, and that's probably because I don't. But that's okay because He knows, and I trust Him. I figure spending time with Him will allow me to get to know Him better... and that's always a good thing :)

Shut Up.

I can't say that I'm feeling any different from the last time I wrote, but I can tell you that God is wonderful.

I went to Harvest in Oakville on Sunday morning with Erica and her mom, and I came out with a smile on my face and tears in my eyes thinking about how awesome God is and how He knows exactly what I need to hear. I find it amazing how He can speak to me so directly, even through someone else.

One of the biggest struggles I had in my relationship with Corey was too easily making him an idol in my life. There were a lot of times when I loved Corey more than I loved God and It's so sad and frustrating that I had to remove myself from the situation in order to see that. God calls me to hate my family and friends in comparison to how much I love God. But I wasn't doing that. I was loving Corey more and as a result, I began to drown in my sin.

It's kind of ironic in a way that I struggled with loving Corey too much. Another issue that I struggled a lot with in our relationship was the fact that Corey wasn't loving me enough. As his girlfriend I desired to be adored by him. I wanted his face to light up when he saw me, I wanted him to pursue me, to build into my life... and he wasn't doing any of those things. I loved him so much though, that I was willing to wait for him to change. Except that nothing really did change. So I felt like I was forced to make the biggest and most drastic change of all, and that was to break up with him. And now we're trying to be friends, but it's so difficult to know what to say and how to act when I'm around him. I'm so used to being his girlfriend... I've never really been his friend before, but we're trying. You know what the hardest thing is? Now that we've broken up and now that we're trying to be friends, I feel like Corey is more crazy about me, and cares about me more than he did when we were dating. He pays more attention to me, he spends more time with me, I catch him looking at me more. All these things, and I just don't understand why. Why now, after all this time of us dating, does he have to be like this? It doesn't make the friend thing so easy. One of my friends mentioned that this might have been what he needed in order to realize what he had. And maybe it's true, but things like that only give me a hope that I can't be sure of. And I begin to focus on that hope instead of focusing on God and the reason Corey and I are in this place. There is no doubt that I want Corey and I to get back together. And I know that he wants the same thing. I know without a doubt that he doesn't really want to be my friend... he wants me, but knows that he can't have me right now. And we both know that we can't trust a hope. We have to trust God. The truth is that we might not end up together, no matter how much we want that to happen. We both have to become okay with that. I don't think I'm there yet, but I'm working towards it and I'm trying to rely on God's strength to get me through all this hard stuff.

God must be number one in my life, I have to love Him more than I love anything or anyone else... even my own self.
I do love Him. I just really suck at showing Him. For someone who likes the idea of the love languages so much, I sure stink at loving God with His. Maybe its because God has a love language all of His own- Obedience. I can show God that I love Him by obeying Him. Why does my flesh get in the way of something my everything else craves so much? I NEED God. I can't do ANYTHING without Him... yet I try and do things by myself all the time. I try and hold on to things because it's too scary and uncertain if I let them go. But fighting with God over control of my life is so hard, and so tiring. So I'm here, with no strength of my own, crying out to God, a crumpled mess at His feet. HERE, I scream. TAKE IT! I CAN'T DO THIS ANYMORE... not on my own. I need You.

So I'm trusting Him with this. And I'm loving Him the most.
At least that's what I'm trying to do. It's not always easy, but I know it's what I must do. It's what my 'everything else' yearns for. Now if I could just get my flesh to shut up...

He sees each tear that falls...

I haven't blogged in so long. Sorry to those of you who have been waiting... I guess I've just been really busy with life.

I'm sick right now. I've had a fever all day and I still don't feel very good, so I'm in my room with Megan, who is also sick, because we aren't allowed to go to impact group. I guess they don't want our disease to spend around. A lot of people have been sick lately... it sucks.

I'm afraid to tell you that this blog is going to be rather depressing. My life right now just seems to be one big cryfest. On Wednesday Corey and I broke up. And right now as I write this the emotions are coming fresh to my eyes. I usually write about everything, but I haven't about this yet. Maybe it's because I don't want it to be real. I like to pretend that this is all just a dream and I'm going to wake up soon, smiling in his arms. I don't think I've ever felt so much pain, or longed for anything as much as I long to just touch him right now.

The decision to break up was mutual, and neither of us wanted it, but it was something we both knew needed to happen. I just thought things were going to be different. They were supposed to be different. I thought Corey was it. I wanted to be his wife, to spend the rest of my life with him, but the hardest part for me in all of this is that Corey wasn't sure if he wanted that. When I think about that I start to think that I wasn't good enough for him. I'm angry at myself for not being wonderful enough, like maybe if I was better he would have known without a doubt he wanted to marry me.

All I know is that I hate this so much. I hate living here at the school with him, seeing him everywhere. I hate being with big groups of people. I start to panic thinking that he's there somewhere I can't see. Then I see all the people looking at me and I feel like I'm some wreck that everyone feels sorry for. They look at me and they see my puffy eyes and my red nose and they don't know what to say or do... so I'm avoided. I wish I was strong enough to put on a smile for everyone. I wish I could at least pretend to be okay, but I feel like if I smile too big or laugh too hard my broken heart might fall on the floor for everyone to see.

I'm trying to trust God in all of this. I know that God wanted this for me, but I don't understand why He isn't taking the pain away. I keep praying, asking Him to comfort me, to give me strength and wipe away my tears, but it still hurts and I feel like it's never going to go away. I don't understand how a God thing can suck so much and cause so much heart ache and I can't wait for the day when I finally know why all of this had to happen. How, exactly, this is for my good. I'm not angry with God... I just wish I could feel His arms around me. I wish He would take my face in His hands and kiss the tears away.

This past year I've given so much away to a boy I thought I was going to be with forever. Now I'm here and he's not and I don't think I have anything left to give. My heart is gone.