Sin that Suffocates

I haven't written in a long time. I guess it hasn't really been that long, but longer than usual. Blogging everyday is usually something that I enjoy, and something that I have become used to, but the past week or so has been crazy for me.

So Corey and I went to Barrie on Tuesday night and stayed there until Friday afternoon. It was really good to be at home and to see my mom and dad before school starts. I know that once everything gets going I'll be lucky to see my parents before thanksgiving. Friday night Ashleigh, Jake and I stayed in London with Corey... and then Saturday morning we got all dressed up and headed to Chatham For Ben and Jess Martin's wedding. It was a beautiful wedding.

Now I'm back in dorm and though I've had plenty of rest I still feel exhausted.

I'm in a place where I feel more desperate than I ever have and I'm finding it hard to breath. Even though my body is resting, my heart and my head just keep going and I can't seem to stop them. It's getting easier though... this breathing thing. My sins were suffocating, but my fear and guilt kept them in the dark where Satan just fed on my human weaknesses. Now that they are in the light, where they can't survive I am starting to see that healing is possible and that I will be okay. We'll be okay. But only by God's grace and love and with the help of the amazing godly people He has placed in our lives.

Trusting God has never been something I have been good at; at times it seem impossible for me. I always seem to be so consumed with worry. But right now my tired heart is screaming for rest and I can only find that in the Lord... in trusting in His love for me and in the perfect plan He has for my life. As a weak and helpless sinner, I have no choice. I have to trust Him.

Golf and Microwaves

Oh my lanta, I am SO bored! ha.

In regard to my last post, I've moved all my stuff over to girl's dorm, but haven't unpacked yet. It's kind of ironic since in my last post I was telling you about how much I love to unpack. Well... right now, I don't really feel like unpacking, lol. So instead I am reading and blogging, two things that I seem to do a lot lately; I guess you could call them my hobbies. How exciting! I've never really had a hobby before. I'm one of those people who you would call skill-less. I have no skills. Lame.

So the wait for dorm room arrangements is over! Tim and Stacey sent all the emails out last night. Well, this morning actually. The email was sent at 1:56 am. I got it this morning when I woke up. I'm actually pretty happy about the way things ended up. I have Lou as my RA (I requested this), and Robyn, a girl that I know from home, as my roommate (I requested this as well). I got the bedroom with the small window though, that's the only thing I don't like much, but what can you do? I had a big window last year. I share the apartment with Megan Dyer, as well as two other freshman. They have to share the bunk-bed room- that is going to suck! There's only one dresser and then a closet. ANYways... their names as Danielle and Holly. I have to say that I am very excited for the start of the school year. Not so much for the actual school part... mainly just for all the people. Oh the wonderful people! How I miss them. This building has been too empty for far too long.

Corey's here now. I saw him around noon today. I didn't realize I had missed him so much. It felt so good to be folded in his arms again. Sadly, he has left. He's gone golfing with a couple of his professors (that makes me giggle a little). I'm not sure if Barry Howson ended up going, but I know Corey invited him. Corey's dream: Golf and Barry Howson- all at the same time, haha. I've come to learn that golfing takes forever, so I should expect Corey back around 5... maybe a little later. Maybe a lot later, lol. Who knows!? But on the bright side, we're going to Barrie tonight. It'll be the last time I see my family before school starts, and once school starts I probably won't see them until Thanksgiving. So needless to say I'm excited to spend a few days there. I believe that we're coming back on Friday. Ben and Jess' wedding is on Saturday, which I am also excited for. So much excitement all at once... I think my head might explode. Or my heart.

I've decided that I want to read through Daniel. I don't know why I picked that book exactly. Crazy dreams, fiery furnaces, and hungry lions? Hmm... maybe I do know why. I read this one verse the other day and I knew that my name belonged in it.

Daniel 5:23

And you have praised the gods of silver and gold, of bronze, iron, wood, and stone, which do not see or hear or know, but the God in whose hand is your breath, and whose are all your ways, you have not honored. 

Daniel says this to the king after he interprets the handwriting, and God is saying this to me.
I need to set my priorities straight. I have to stop worshipping the gold in my life, whether it's the computer, money, books, writing... my relationship with Corey. They all may be important things to me, but God needs to become and remain number one in my life. Everything else is just temporary, why would I ever put them before my Jesus?

I think that's all for now.
A few things that I have to remember to take home with me (maybe writing them down will help me not to forget):

My microwave. The one at my house is on the fritz, so they are in of the one they gave me. Dang.
My cellphones. Yes, I have more than one. My dad needs a new one... his broke. Dang.

And then my floor disappeared!

So I'm laying on my couch in my apartment, surrounded by the evidence of moving time; boxes are behind me, an empty kitchen beside me, and it's all so sad really. I never liked moving. My best friend moved away when we were in grade 4. That's the earliest memory I have of moving. Of course I hated it... my best friend was moving an hour and a half away and at that age that seemed so far.

I lived in the same house for 12 years. My family moved to Barrie the summer of my grade 10 year, and we've moved twice since then. Packing is always the worst: it makes me realize how much crap I have. 

Unpacking, mind you, I've always liked. I wonder why that is. It's almost like it's a fresh start. Yes, I have a lot of crap, and yes it was strewn about my room, so messy I could barely see my floor,  but now I get to start over. Who doesn't like fresh starts, clean slates? I get to take out all my things, and place them nicely on my shelves and in my drawers. I get to fold my clothes neatly in my dresser and hang my shirts and dresses in my closet according their various colours. I fool myself into thinking that I'll be able to keep it that way when in reality, a week later, my floor disappears. 

It's a lot like my relationship with God I think. At first, everything is so neat, but then I get lazy... sins start piling up on the floor and sooner than I know it, I can't see. I can't even move. I try shoving things under my bed, hoping that I'll forget about them... like God won't notice (I'm so stupid). Then God tries to get my attention, I trip over an old sin I had shoved beneath the carpet, and I fall. I fall so hard that I can't even get up on my own. Then God comes in. 

"Have I got you're attention now?" He asks me. 

I nod, and with tears rolling down my face, He helps me up. To my amazement, He even helps me clean everything up, taking those sins I tried so hard to hide, and throwing them in the garbage. 

Then, with a smile on His beautiful face he whispers, "Neither do I condemn you; go, and from now on sin no more" (John 8:11).

I get to start over! He has given me another chance and though I don't deserve it, He loves me.

I was reading in Luke today about the prodigal son, his older brother, and His loving father. Kait talked a little about it when we were at Court's cottage. She's reading this book called Prodigal God and instead of focusing on the younger brother like we do most of the time, it talks to the older brother and about what kind of person he represents in our churches. Reading the parable got me thinking about those I know who have walked out on God, "devouring God's property with prostitutes" (Luke 15:30). Then I think about myself and what my walk with God has been like. I would definitely consider myself more like the older brother. I've always been one to follow the rules, I never went through a 'rebellion' phase, and I've never really walked out on God... 

I wonder how I would react if all of a sudden one of those people I know realized their state and decided to run into God's arms again. I know God would be there with His arms open and a smile on His face, but what if He pours blessings on them, and gives them things that I've always wanted? Would I react like the older brother, becoming angry and resentful of God, claiming that it's not fair? Would I say the kind of things to God that the older brother said to his father? 

"Look, these many years I have served you, and I never disobeyed your command, yet you never gave me a young goat, that I might celebrate with my friends. But when this son of yours came, who has devoured your property with prostitutes, you killed the fattened calf for him!" (Luke 15:29-30)

I hope I wouldn't be like that. That's an awful way to be and would only prove that my relationship with God had been all about what I can get out of Him if I managed to follow all the rules and guidelines. It would say that I am only willing to listen if I get rewarded for it. And then I pose the question, "if there were no promise of heaven, would I still chose to follow Jesus?" Would you?

I really hope that my reaction instead would be agreeable to what the father then said to his older son: "Son, you are always with me, and all that is mine is yours. It was fitting to celebrate and be glad, for this your brother was dead, and is alive; he was lost, and is found." (Luke 15:31)

Please make me more like You, Lord! Let me not be like the Older brother, having a loyalty to You as long as there's something in it for me. That is my prayer for you as well... whoever you are.

I always wonder who actually reads these, if I'm just writing for myself? I know there are a few of you who do, and I am so glad for that. I think that even if no one read it, I would still write... I surprise myself sometimes. Or rather, God surprises me and I even learn from what I write. I find that my writing draws me closer to Him in a very unique way.

That's all for now,

Ciao :)

 

Isaiah 43

But now thus says the Lord, He who created you, O Jacob, He who formed you, O Israel: Fear not for I have redeemed you; I have called you by name, you are Mine. When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and through the rivers, they shall not overwhelm you; and when you walk through the fires you shall not be burned, and the flames shall not consume you. For I am the Lord your God, the Holy One of Israel, your Saviour. I give Egypt as your ransom, Cush and Seba in exchange for you. Because you are precious in my eyes, and honored, and I love you, I give men in return for you, peoples in exchange for your life. Fear not, for I am with you; I will bring your offspring from the the east, and from the west I will gather you. I will say to the north, Give up, and to the south, Do not withhold; bring my sons from afar and my daughters from the end of the earth, everyone who is called by my name, whom I created for my glory, whom I formed and made.

Bring out the people who are blind, yet have eyes, who are deaf, yet have ears! All the nations gather together, and assemble. Who among them can declare this, and show us the former things? Let them bring their witnesses to prove them right, and let them hear and say, It is true. "You are my witnesses," declares the Lord, "and my servant whom I have chosen, that you may know and believe me and understand that I am He. Before me no god was formed, nor shall there be any after me. I, I am the Lord, and besides me there is no saviour. I declared and saved and proclaimed, when there was no strange god among you; and you are my witnesses," declares the Lord, "and I am God. Also henceforth I am he; there is none who can deliver from my hand; I work and who can turn it back?" 

Thus says the Lord, your redeemer, the Holy One of Israel: For your sake I send to Babylon and bring them all down as fugitives, even the Chaldeans, in the ships in which they rejoice. I am the Lord, your Holy One, the Creator of Israel, your King.

Thus says the Lord, who makes a way in the sea, a path in the mighty water, who bring forth chariot and horse, army and warrior; they lie down, they cannot rise, they are extinguished, quenched like a wick: remember not the former things, nor consider the things of old. Behold, I am doing a new thing; now it springs forth, do you not perceive it? I will make a way in the wilderness and rivers in the desert. The wild beasts will honor me, the jackals ad the ostriches, for I give water in the wilderness, rivers in the desert, to give drink to my chosen people, the people whom I formed for myself that they might declare my praise. 

"Yet you did not call upon me, O Jacob; but you have not been weary of me, O Israel! You have not brought me your sheep for burnt offerings, or honored me with your sacrifices. I have not burdened you with offerings, or wearied you with frankincense. You have not brought me sweet cane with money, or satisfied me with the fat of your sacrifices. But you have burdened me with your sins; you have wearied me with your iniquities. 

"I, I am he who blots out your transgressions for my own sake, and I will not remember your sins. Put me in remembrance; let us argue together; set forth your case, that you may be proved right. Your first father sinned, and your mediators transgressed against me. Therefore I will profane the princes of the sanctuary, and deliver Jacob to utter destruction and Israel to reviling. 

Love. It.

That's all... :)

"I ain't the Lord, no I'm just a fool, Learning..."

I've decided that I am the most impatient person in the world. There's so many things in my life right now that I'm just waiting for... and I don't really have much else to do other than wait. I'm waiting for Blockbuster to phone me, although I'm starting to think that I'm doing that in vain. I'm waiting to find out my dorm situation for this year. I'm waiting for when I get to see Corey again. I'm waiting for the wedding coming up next weekend. I'm waiting for school to start... And in the meantime I sit here with my roommates, I read, and I blog. 

I slept until 12:30 today. It's actually quite ironic because just last night I was talking to Corey on the phone, trying to argue my case because he suggested that I sleep until noon all the time. I told him that I don't and was very firm in my defense. And then I slept till noon this morning. Until 12:30 actually, which is a half an hour worse. In my defense, I had a really bad sleep last night. I have been having a hard time sleeping a lot lately actually. It's frustrating. I couldn't fall asleep last night so I decided to just stop trying. I made myself perogies at 1 o'clock in the morning. Here's a word of caution for y'all: don't eat perogies at 1 o'clock in the morning. Worst idea of my life. After creeping facebook for a little while longer, I tried my hand at sleep again, but it took a long time to drift off and I woke up a number of times. So I slept until 12:30. It's only fair. 

And now I'm waiting for my laundry to be done. Tick tock, tick tock.

I was reading Psalm 139 yesterday for the umpteenth time. It's one of my favourite psalms, it always makes me feel so loved and protected. The cool thing though, is that this time I noticed a couple verses that I never really paid all the much attention to before. I always read them, but this time they just seemed more alive, more relevant I guess. Not that they weren't relevant before... but I just seemed to noticed them now. Which is unfortunate for me. 

"Search me, O God, and know my heart! 

Try me and know my thoughts!

And see if there be any grievous way in me,

and lead me in the way everlasting!"

Psalm 139:23-24

That's what my prayer is. God knows me better than anyone. I know this from reading the first 16 verses of this Psalm. God knows me better than I even know myself, so who better to ask than Him? I'm always seeing new sin in my life that I never even knew existed. Sometimes we can get so caught up in one sin that we forget or ignore another. So my prayer is that God would reveal my sin to me so that we can deal with it together. 

I think my laundry is done now.

Until next time... 

.

Today's mine and Corey's 10 months.

I miss him.

Oh How He Loves Us

It's been a few days since I've blogged, which is kind of weird since I've made a habit recently of doing it everyday. I've just rediscovered my love for writing and feel like I just want to do it all the time! I find myself thinking of how I would write things and things that I can write about. This part of me has kind of been asleep for awhile and I'm not really sure why. Maybe this start of me seriously pursuing God in my life has made the difference. Maybe my new awareness of my need for God has reawakened this passion. After all, He's the one who gave it to me isn't He?

So the reason it's been a few days is because I've just returned from a weekend at Lou's cottage with Kait and Mami. It was so good to just get away with these wonderful girls. There's something about being on a lake, away from the men in our lives that brings out the craziness in girls. It's so much fun!

We drove up on Friday night. Kait's husband Phil drove us up; finding another way there proved to be impossible. It was scorching hot, no AC to be found, and the traffic was brutal, but we made it! I shouldn't complain that it was hot. This summer has hardly been a summer if you ask me... the nice days that we've been having and the ones to come are a blessing, and winter always seems to be just around the corner. Anyways, hot weather is always good for cottage weekends.

We talked, we laughed, and we danced. The first night we decided to go swimming at like 1 o'clock in the morning. We had to take a canoe across the water to a beach. It was pretty much the darkest night ever... the moon was so tiny and seemed so dull. So needless to say we could barely see, which made our adventure even more exciting it you ask me! (That rhymed, haha). We had a fire on Saturday night; roasted marshmallows and wieners... made s'mores :) One of my favourite parts of this weekend was that night too. Kait and I went and laid down on the dock for what seemed like hours. I don't remember the last time I saw so many stars! Here in Cambridge you can basically see one star when you look up. It's pretty pathetic actually. So many lights. Too many lights. Her and I just gazed at the stars as we talked. It was all so intimate and perfect. We even saw shooting stars. Multiple shooting stars. And there was this one... it was so bright and so long and left a trail as it shot across the sky. It excited me so much. It was in that moment, as I laid under God's beautiful creation that I wanted so much to write and to just talk about all the emotions and thoughts that I was experiencing. Kait asked me what I would blog about if I could. I would have blogged about how small I felt under how big and real I could see God is. I thought about that song, Indescribable and the lyric that says, "You placed the stars in the sky and You know them by name." I couldn't wrap my mind around it. I don't know how people can look up at what I was seeing and say that there is no God. God's exactly who I saw while I was laying there under the twinkling stars. There's no other explanation. God.

On sunday night we came back to Cambridge and went to hear Phil speak. He spoke about love, loving others, loving God. And he spoke of God's love for us. He spoke wonderful truth and it was so convicting. We love because He first loved us. In order for us the love others the way that God loves us we have to realize that God loves us so much! The reason why we have so much trouble loving others is because we haven't fully grasped how great God's love for us really is. I know this is true for me. I don't understand how God could love someone like me. I try, and the reality of His love is being revealed to me more and more, but I don't think I'll ever be able to fully know how He loves me. I've been listening to this song that I have come to love. It heard it a while ago, but just listening to it today I've come to love it so much and I feel like I could just weep listening to it. 

He is jealous for me 
Love's like a hurricane, I am a tree 
Bending beneath the weight of His wind and mercy 
When all of a sudden, I am unaware of these afflictions eclipsed by glory 
and I realize just how beautiful You are and how great your affections are for me. 
Oh, how He loves us so 
Oh, how He loves us 
How He loves us so. 

Yeah, He loves us 
Oh, how He loves us 
Oh, how He loves us 
Oh, how He loves. 

So we are His portion and He is our prize, 
Drawn to redemption by the grace in His eyes 
If grace is an ocean we're all sinking 
So heaven meets earth like a sloppy wet kiss and my heart turns violently inside of my chest 
I don't have time to maintain these regrets when I think about the way 

That he loves us, 
Oh, how He loves us 
Oh, how He loves us 
Oh, how He loves 

He loves us, 
Oh, how He loves us 
Oh, how He loves us 
Oh, how He loves 

I love it! Oh how He loves me! Click here if you wanna listen to it! Please do listen to it.

Ps. Here's a few pictures from this weekend

Court asked me to go find another marshmallow stick... 

and this is what I brought her.

Who would have thought? Deep fired Mars Bars 

are delicious! 

Sorry about the random crotch shot! Baha!